When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning
And the future is past without even a last desperate warning
Look into the sky where through the clouds a path is torn
Look and see her how she shimmers, it's the last unicorn...
I'm alive...I'm alive.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
I have come to a decision. In order to make my life more connected to what I feel is best, I am switching to live journal. I will update everyone on the new site soon, and who knows, maybe I'll actually write stuff.
2:06 PM
Sunday, November 16, 2003
"Pastro rello, se soggeto."
- Se tu m'ami, se sospiri
Pergolesi 12:22 AM
Monday, October 27, 2003
I didn't check many blogs, and i just read my comments and I should sleep now but I felt the need to respond to some of the things posted on my comments server, these are mostly directed at Sage and Ryan, but it goes for everyone.
You guys, I love you, and I know you want what's best for me and it's in many of your natures (i know i do this to) to always try and figure everyone out. But in this case, I think that I know better than all of you. You don't seem to understand that I don't want to go back. I may be losing something, but you don't just lose things, it's all an equilibrium, I'm gaining something as well, what it is, and whether it's worth it or not, I don't know. But I do know that if there's one thing I've learned is I don't live my life to go back, I want to move forward. Wherever my path takes me is where it goes. Ryan, I didn't disconnect with me, I discovered new parts of me, a lot of weaknesses, that I didn't know were there. Being aware of them may have weakened me, but it made me more aware. I'm getting through it, but not by losing awareness but learning to overcome the weaknesses I'm aware of, which makes me better in the long run. You guys (especially you, Ryan) always seem to be travelling in circles with yourselves, you keep moving forward but you're always backtracking somewhat, trying to get back to something, don't you get tired of the endless circle? Don't you want the excitement of something new instead of trying to hold on so tight to what's gone. You can miss things and you remember but you can never go back. And sometimes that's sad but it doesn't mean it's wrong. And good things will come in the future, I think I have faith in that. Pain, hurt, it's all part of growing up, but that's just it, it's growing up, not down. Like I said, I love you all and appreciate your love and support. So please, support my head and heart and realize that I don know myself to some extent, and can forge my own path now. I still need you, as company for the road, some advice, but for the most part, I just need you, and that's more than anyone could ask for.
10:11 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2003
Maybe I'll elaborate on what it says on Sage's blog, about me changing over the summer. I disagree with what Sage said, I've decided, something didn't happen to me, I changed. No real outside cause, at least not one big enough that I can make it the thing that happened. But I did change. And I change all the time, constantly. Especially lately. It's very rapid fire, I kind of like it, lowers frustration, go with the flow.
But sometimes it feels like I've lost something, personality wise. Like I've slipped away from normal in nearly any sense. It made it easier for me to communicate with people the way I was before. At least throught straight talking. Maybe that's why blogging is tons harder for me now. Everything used to just come out. Now it's all a blue with layers and if anyone... before i wrote blue and meant blur, maybe a typo, maybe not. Anyway, if anyone read the wrinkle in time book that has a lot to do with the twins, my brain reminds me of the brain of the kid after he hits his head. It's like I'm thinking one thing, but i can't quite get to the right layer to say it, i get lost and something else comes out of my mouth. I guess I'll have to find other forms of expression, more everywhere, blotched up, confused forms that fit my brain the way that it works now. The random is coming undone. My meticulous organization of my mind is falling apart and I'm not really doing anything to stop it. It's like putting anything into words is a hardship these days.
I'm glad that I'm going to London over winter break, i could use a big change in scenery like that. And it's starting to hit me that I'm actually going to Europe. I'm going to be in London, a place I've only seen pictures of. I'm going to see Big Ben and the Globe Theater and so many other wonderful things. And I'll be with camp friends and Kim-Noel, Larry, and Chris Bumonte (chaperones) so basically I'll be free. I wish it were winter break now.
So you see, I've said all i can think to say and still feel as if i haven't said what I've wanted to say the whole time. I need a vacation really bad I think, a real one with 0 work and a spa and little sprirituality classes that teach you to let your energy flow and to listen to the sound of your own heart. Learn feng shui (not even sure if i spelled it right) and other things just to make me comfortable with my world and myself. I need to be an adult now, I'm nearly ready, it may not seem it but I think I'd be there if I were given the chance. Just to be in charge of me.
"Be brave little one
Make a wish for each sad litte tear
Hold your head up
Though no one is near
Someone’s waiting for you
Don’t cry little one
There’ll be a smile where a frown used to be
You’ll be part of the love that you see
Someone’s waiting for you
Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you’re sure to see the light
Soon there’ll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright
Have faith little one
Till your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone’s waiting to love you"
- The Rescuers Down Under
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Now presenting the theatrical trailer for...
"The most entrancing movie of the decade."
- New York Times
" A film of beauty and controversy, revolutionary, to say the least."
- Boston News
"A place and time unknown, a movie of passion, rage, youth, and confusion. A true artistic rendering of growing up."
- Wall Street Journal
By day she is Gretta Hevener, youngest daughter of melissa's-mom hevener. Oversized student of Copper Beach elementary. Roaming the halls as an undercover gym teacher while few know her deepest darkest secret...
But by night she is...
GRITZ GIBBINZ, QUICK FIX DOMINTATRIX
Prowling the streets and ready for action!
(working title)
She walks the streets
Searching for treats.
In her bare feets.
With her whip and chain,
You'll see it's plain,
her sweet youthful innocense
has been slain.
See her rage, her sorrow, her pain.
The workings of her childlish brain.
Insane.
GRITZ GIBBINZ, QUICK FIX DOMINTATRIX
Prowling the streets and ready for action!
(working title)
Coming soon to a high school auditorium film stip screening near you.
Who's Marley?
What's 7th grade?
Is that the kid from the never ending story?
Is that the kid from the never ending story?
Freezing cold slurpees.
Alison is a stupid girl.
11:12 PM
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Look into the water.
See your reflection.
Laugh, cry, scream.
Touch the water.
watch the ripples.
Your existence is but a dream.
Hear the quiet.
Smell nothing.
Now lose, lose, lose
Yourself.
To the depths of your
Imaginary inside.
Now dive into the water
The deadly, ice water.
And know you're alive
11:58 PM
Aaron, I added Proloxil to my links. Everyone please go, it is the best thing ever! Ryan, I think you'd especially like it.
11:35 PM
