Thoughts, Feelings, and Words of Wisdom

2003-12-06T00:21:00.000-05:00

The new site is:

http://alisongail.livejournal.com

Happy Blogging!

2003-11-30T14:06:00.000-05:00

I have come to a decision. In order to make my life more connected to what I feel is best, I am switching to live journal. I will update everyone on the new site soon, and who knows, maybe I'll actually write stuff.

2003-11-16T00:22:00.000-05:00

"Pastro rello, se soggeto."
- Se tu m'ami, se sospiri
Pergolesi

2003-10-27T22:11:00.000-05:00

I didn't check many blogs, and i just read my comments and I should sleep now but I felt the need to respond to some of the things posted on my comments server, these are mostly directed at Sage and Ryan, but it goes for everyone.

You guys, I love you, and I know you want what's best for me and it's in many of your natures (i know i do this to) to always try and figure everyone out. But in this case, I think that I know better than all of you. You don't seem to understand that I don't want to go back. I may be losing something, but you don't just lose things, it's all an equilibrium, I'm gaining something as well, what it is, and whether it's worth it or not, I don't know. But I do know that if there's one thing I've learned is I don't live my life to go back, I want to move forward. Wherever my path takes me is where it goes. Ryan, I didn't disconnect with me, I discovered new parts of me, a lot of weaknesses, that I didn't know were there. Being aware of them may have weakened me, but it made me more aware. I'm getting through it, but not by losing awareness but learning to overcome the weaknesses I'm aware of, which makes me better in the long run. You guys (especially you, Ryan) always seem to be travelling in circles with yourselves, you keep moving forward but you're always backtracking somewhat, trying to get back to something, don't you get tired of the endless circle? Don't you want the excitement of something new instead of trying to hold on so tight to what's gone. You can miss things and you remember but you can never go back. And sometimes that's sad but it doesn't mean it's wrong. And good things will come in the future, I think I have faith in that. Pain, hurt, it's all part of growing up, but that's just it, it's growing up, not down. Like I said, I love you all and appreciate your love and support. So please, support my head and heart and realize that I don know myself to some extent, and can forge my own path now. I still need you, as company for the road, some advice, but for the most part, I just need you, and that's more than anyone could ask for.

2003-10-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'll elaborate on what it says on Sage's blog, about me changing over the summer. I disagree with what Sage said, I've decided, something didn't happen to me, I changed. No real outside cause, at least not one big enough that I can make it the thing that happened. But I did change. And I change all the time, constantly. Especially lately. It's very rapid fire, I kind of like it, lowers frustration, go with the flow.

But sometimes it feels like I've lost something, personality wise. Like I've slipped away from normal in nearly any sense. It made it easier for me to communicate with people the way I was before. At least throught straight talking. Maybe that's why blogging is tons harder for me now. Everything used to just come out. Now it's all a blue with layers and if anyone... before i wrote blue and meant blur, maybe a typo, maybe not. Anyway, if anyone read the wrinkle in time book that has a lot to do with the twins, my brain reminds me of the brain of the kid after he hits his head. It's like I'm thinking one thing, but i can't quite get to the right layer to say it, i get lost and something else comes out of my mouth. I guess I'll have to find other forms of expression, more everywhere, blotched up, confused forms that fit my brain the way that it works now. The random is coming undone. My meticulous organization of my mind is falling apart and I'm not really doing anything to stop it. It's like putting anything into words is a hardship these days.

I'm glad that I'm going to London over winter break, i could use a big change in scenery like that. And it's starting to hit me that I'm actually going to Europe. I'm going to be in London, a place I've only seen pictures of. I'm going to see Big Ben and the Globe Theater and so many other wonderful things. And I'll be with camp friends and Kim-Noel, Larry, and Chris Bumonte (chaperones) so basically I'll be free. I wish it were winter break now.

So you see, I've said all i can think to say and still feel as if i haven't said what I've wanted to say the whole time. I need a vacation really bad I think, a real one with 0 work and a spa and little sprirituality classes that teach you to let your energy flow and to listen to the sound of your own heart. Learn feng shui (not even sure if i spelled it right) and other things just to make me comfortable with my world and myself. I need to be an adult now, I'm nearly ready, it may not seem it but I think I'd be there if I were given the chance. Just to be in charge of me.

"Be brave little one
Make a wish for each sad litte tear
Hold your head up
Though no one is near
Someone’s waiting for you
Don’t cry little one
There’ll be a smile where a frown used to be
You’ll be part of the love that you see
Someone’s waiting for you
Always keep a little prayer in your pocket
And you’re sure to see the light
Soon there’ll be joy and happiness
And your little world will be bright
Have faith little one
Till your hopes and your wishes come true
You must try to be brave little one
Someone’s waiting to love you"
- The Rescuers Down Under

2003-10-18T23:12:00.000-04:00

Now presenting the theatrical trailer for...

"The most entrancing movie of the decade."
- New York Times
" A film of beauty and controversy, revolutionary, to say the least."
- Boston News
"A place and time unknown, a movie of passion, rage, youth, and confusion. A true artistic rendering of growing up."
- Wall Street Journal

The landmark ATAKMH production of the century....

*********************************************************************

By day she is Gretta Hevener, youngest daughter of melissa's-mom hevener. Oversized student of Copper Beach elementary. Roaming the halls as an undercover gym teacher while few know her deepest darkest secret...

But by night she is...

GRITZ GIBBINZ, QUICK FIX DOMINTATRIX
Prowling the streets and ready for action!
(working title)

She walks the streets
Searching for treats.
In her bare feets.
With her whip and chain,
You'll see it's plain,
her sweet youthful innocense
has been slain.
See her rage, her sorrow, her pain.
The workings of her childlish brain.
Insane.

GRITZ GIBBINZ, QUICK FIX DOMINTATRIX
Prowling the streets and ready for action!
(working title)

Coming soon to a high school auditorium film stip screening near you.

*********************************************************

Who's Marley?
What's 7th grade?
Is that the kid from the never ending story?
Is that the kid from the never ending story?
Freezing cold slurpees.
Alison is a stupid girl.

2003-10-11T23:58:00.000-04:00

Look into the water.
See your reflection.
Laugh, cry, scream.
Touch the water.
watch the ripples.
Your existence is but a dream.
Hear the quiet.
Smell nothing.
Now lose, lose, lose
Yourself.
To the depths of your
Imaginary inside.
Now dive into the water
The deadly, ice water.
And know you're alive

2003-10-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

Aaron, I added Proloxil to my links. Everyone please go, it is the best thing ever! Ryan, I think you'd especially like it.

2003-10-10T23:38:00.000-04:00

People hate it when you play games with them, so why does my own heart want to play games with me? I can't tell anyone for fear of hurting them (which I could easily do, by the way) so I'm stuck to try to figure myself out but it's all a vicious circle. I should sleep. I have to call aaron tomorrow at like 10:45, I hope he doesn't get mad at me.

2003-10-08T22:36:00.000-04:00

I feel like blogging. Not sure what to say. So paranoia...

I can make myself sick very easily, well not actually sick, but nauseous.

Ummm, right, I hope I have a good weekend. That would be good.

Since I actually can, I should go to sleep soon.

I had my first voice lesson of the year today. Sue said I improved leaps and bounds since I left in the spring, which is really good because usually I get worse. I want to be very serious about my voice this year. With college auditions coming up in a year it is very important. Speaking of which, I need to look over districts music. I've decided to go out for soprano 1. (for those who don't know, I was deciding between soprano 1 (higher) and soprano 2 (lower). ) I am a soprano 1 but everybody and her mother seems to be a soprano 1, plus the fact that hatboro horsham and cheltenham hold more seats than anyone else in the district chorus ( for some reason that doesn't make sense) so I'd probably have a better shot of getting in as a soprano 2. But the truth is, I love singing the highest notes the best and I definitely would not be devastated if I didn't get in. I should definitely audition and do my best, it looks good for college and from what i've heard, it's an amazing time but it's just sooooooo much work. I'll give it my best but if I don't get in, I don't think I'll be too upset.

Grrr! I make myself crazy.

Turns out my dad didn't change my password, he was just messing with me.

Meliss, the problem with tupperwear is that I leave it everywhere.

Oh wait! So we can we talk for five seconds about the fact that Laura Menekin is back. And she's in practically ALL of my classes. Talk about a blast from the past. She's one of those people I never took very seriously.

I am upset

2003-10-07T23:47:00.000-04:00

So right now, I have my computer set to bling people size font, it feels so much better to read. Not just because I'm blind, but I don't know, it just seems so much less overwhelming.

Today I did that thing where your mind drifts and you have a conversation with someone you've never really spoken to in your head and you realize something about yourself because it came out of that person. And I started to think about hurting myself. Not physically but I started to think about how I do it all the time. I take my little metaphorical knife and with every imperfection I or anyone else even intimates I cut into my self esteem, my personality, myself. It's as if I'm trying to bleed it out but that's not good enough when you're doin it to your insides. And since there aren't any physical results, I keep jabbing that knife in there every time the wound starts to heal, to remind myself that it's still there and needs to be fixed. Then I could think, no, I have to stop doing that and accept myself. But I don't want to accept myself the way I am. I want to accept who I am but if I did that with the way I am I would just be giving up, you know? Of course, that doesn't mean I don't slice and dice who I am too, but at least I can tell myself to stop, because there is no way that it's helping me.

My life seems kind of meaningless right now. At a standstill, except I do feel kind of bad. I do things because I know I have to do them and because there is nothing real going on in my life so I have nothing to do but pick on myself. I don't know why there is so little going on. It's strange, I don't remember it ever happening before.

You know what I realized, everybody in our whole damn school (and by that I mean girls only) wears pants that look bad on them. Namely those really tight jeans with the little flares. They look bad on almost everybody. How can there be a style that is so unflattering to 99% of the people who wear them. I swear the only girls I can think of that wear pants that flatter them are Laura and Meliss. People are going to look back on this time the way they look at the bright purple leotards and brights green leggings of the 80's.

So I keep obsessing about school too. My dad changed my lettergrade password so I couldn't check it anymore. He had no right to do that, I don't care if he thought it was for my own good. I'm going to do worse in school and be more worried. And those are the things he's trying to avoid.

I'm really enjoying three new clothing trends of mine: comfort, stealing charly's clothes, and wearing socks with charly's adidas sandles (it's soooo comfy). Though, I'm going to have to begin wearing normal clothes (i.e. not pajamas and sweatpants) eventually. I'm beginning to tire of looking crappy. I guess I'll phase out of it. I can always pick up on it later.

I think one reason I've been obsessing about school is because I don't like it so much. I have this need to get everything done during the week and leave as little as possible for the weekend so that I can be free. Kind of a good plan except I run through the day with practically 0 break time and when I do things like blogging I just cut into my sleep (as it is now 11:45). I guess I'll get used to four hours of sleep a night eventually (I think I may be starting to), and then the little bit of sleep won't hold me back anymore.

2003-10-05T00:49:00.000-04:00

i'll blog tomorrow

2003-09-28T23:48:00.000-04:00

should i be doing a critical analysis, umm.... yes. i'll get to it

my tooth hurts

we got this new exercise machine that feels like you're cross country skiing, it's fun but you get sea legs after you get off of it...hehe, that's kind of fun too.

i lost 2 pounds, but i have to be extra specially careful now because i don't want to let my guard down

hey meliss, they put stevya leaves in my celestial seasonings tea, which btw, is tasting kind of like fluoride right now, hey aaron, maybe someone poisoned my wine...oh dear, an inside for sage too i suppose too, hey sage, you can join me in a cup of tea cuz you don't go well with chamomile ...(crickets)... oh well, i did try.

i'm dying of SARS as we speak and should go to bed instead of reading articles for social studies and critically analyzing them, but if i don't get this done, i'm afraid i will be overwhelmed tomorrow.

college, have to get started on that, don't even know how to find which places i want to apply to
... oh dear i guess I'll have to talk to Ms.Jackson/Williams/annoying/I leave for a month without telling my students while they ask me for call downs and wait a month and get their AP American History scheduling all screwed up but that's because I'm on my honeymoon with a guy who made me change my name to williams (the most damn overused last name in the english language) to williams (the other most damn overused last name in the english language) but I shouldn't worry because even when I'm in the same room with my students I'm such a distracted ditz, I might as well be there....
... otherwise known as my guidance counselor

Big Yellow Taxi
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot,
With a pink hotel, a boutique,
And a swinging hot spot.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

They took all the trees and put them in a tree museum.
And they charged all the people
A dollar and a half just to see 'em.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

Hey, farmer, farmer, put away that D.D.T., now!
Give me spots on my apples
But leave me the birds and the bees, please!
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

Late last night I heard the screen door slam.
And a big yellow taxi took away my old man.
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

- Joni Mitchell (originally performed by Bob Dylan)

I mean, really, what two artists to better brought together, that song is amazing, lyrics amazing, tune amazing, joni, amazing

2003-09-27T19:41:00.000-04:00

I had stuff written but things got screwed up.

We're not all as connected as we used to be.

I'm not in a very good place right now.

Lots of stress and I'm confused and feeling really kind of sad.

I really hope the year gets better.

I feel kind of pointless and I wonder why I'm alive kind of. I'll get through it, I'm just not sure how. I think all the school stress is really getting to everyone and it is still only september. Do school's understand what they do to us? Teaching methods need a major revamp, there are different ideas out there, they're just not being investigated. Times have changed and with those changing times, school systems must change as well. They cause a lot of problems for young people.

I want to say something, i'm not sure what. I don't know/

2003-09-18T21:31:00.000-04:00

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.

I saw Lodey today, I love him!

Tired.

Very tired.

FUCKIN EXHAUSTED!

what's your favorite dish, I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from zanzibar...

Hey ryan, I've got a tenacious D song just for you. I'll have to play it for you sometime.

2003-09-18T00:20:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I'm blogging. I should be sleeping. I'm soo tired and it's late. But I guess I just want to kind of mark the place that's mine. I feel like I have something to tell you all, but I couldn't really say it online or to just one person. It would have to be to at least a small group.

Memorized 2 pages for "Guilty" (the fall play). I just needed to at least get started.

Sleep will help me get things done faster. Tomorrow will be Thursday. It feels like tomorrow should be tuesday or wednesday. Whichever day tomorrow is, I still have two tests. Both of which I have not really studied for.

Songs keep popping into my head. Faint, little pieces of old melodies that I can't even begin to try and continue. No words, not even a whole tune. Just a small bit of beauty I can't claim. And sometimes I wonder if it's my own creation and I don't believe in myself enough to think I could. I've done that with poems I've written. I would find them and think that I hadn't wrote them because they were too good. Then I would find some proof that I wrote them and be in shock. That happened like 3 times. Anyway, the blogs seem to be having a poetry entity lately. Here were are:... I'm too tired to write anything new.

Songs keep popping into my head.
Faint,
little pieces of old melodies that I can't even begin to try and continue.
No words,
not even a whole tune.
Just a small bit of beauty I can not claim.
And sometimes I wonder if it's my own creation
but I do not think enough of myself to believe that.

Well, I'm sure you all love that. Oh how I use sarcasm to shield me from criticism. I'm a mess of fuck ups. Sometimes... no, all the time, I'm gone. Different parts of me are all in their own little word and I can't gather myself fast enough to keep up. They all want to journey apart. They all want a vacation. Focus is hard to come by.

2003-09-15T19:54:00.000-04:00

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yeah, that makes sense.

I made the play! Woohoo! I am Sylvia. Syyyyyyyyyylvia, syllllllllllllllllllvia... Well, aaron gets it! I was really worried. Katie made my life so much better this morning. Go team Katie! (she doesn't even read this, i'm pathetic...oh well) First meeting tomorrow, I want rehearsals to start so bad. I miss my acting like nothing else.

So my dad, in jest, told me that I was going to drive my sister to dance class. After he makes that joke (which he makes often), I always think about how i would have no idea how to do that, and then it hit me... I DROVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Melissa, I love you for being related to someone that cool.

By the way, I am really happy with the cast of the play, it'll be awesome. Go team melissa! Although, i swear mr. kelly thinks you did the play last year.

umm... i'm bored with life right now. I need something interesting. I think i"m lonely. umm... maybe just needing something more. Whatever it is, my pain is bearable. I'll live for now.

2003-09-14T21:02:00.000-04:00

I used to have so much to say. I wonder what happened.

Hung out with Aaron, Sage, and Melissa yesterday. Had a really good time. I don't know.

It's really hot up here. I think it's the light.

The weather's been hot and humid and gross.

Melissa and Sage, wow.

I'm tossed and confused and tired.

I hate looking at myself in the mirror these days.

2003-09-14T01:31:00.000-04:00

In Whatever Time We Have

Music and Lyrics By Steven Schwartz (Children of Eden)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In whatever time we have
For as long as we are living
We can face whatever comes
If we face it now as one
I could make it on my own
Now I know that I don't have to
No one really wants to be alone
In whatever time we have

In whatever time we have
After all this time without you
It's not easy to be sure
It's not easy to believe

All we know for sure is this
Though the world could end tomorrow
You and I will be together
In whatever time we have

We know life can be a battlefield
But we won't run
And we won't heel
You'll be my fortress
And I will be your shield
No one really wants to be alone
In whatever time we have

If at times we are afraid
With so little to believe in
It's alright to feel afraid
I will hold you in the dark

We could live a hundred years
Or the world could end tomorrow
But we know we'll be together
In whatever time

From this day forward nights won't seem so black
From this day forward we will never look back
In whatever time we have
We will make the most of time
And at least we'll be together
In whatever time we have

2003-09-14T01:22:00.000-04:00

I am feeling really sad. Don't know why. I really hope i get into the fall play, no matter how stupid it is. I really hope melissa gets in too. I can just tell she's a good actress, i don't know why, but i think she'd do a lot with a part.

2003-09-14T00:14:00.000-04:00

2003-09-13T00:44:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd beent oo tired to right, truth is I'm too tired to think, i haven't thought about anything real in a little while, it kinda scares me, it's like i went on a vacation from my brain. It's part of the reason that I've been so superficial this week. Meliss, remember last week when I told you I wanted to stop thinking about people the way I do and stop talking about it. Well, I guess it took. But I wasn t the vacation to end now. I don't know how to start thinking again. School doesn't give my brain enough energy to think. I should sleep now.

2003-09-10T22:58:00.000-04:00

I really do have many things that I would like to write but I have been pressed for time lately, so I'll talk about the thing that is the most on my mind.

Oh, Melissa and Sage. Your relationship has nothing to do with me. It is between the two of you and I shouldn't get in the way, be involved at all. And yet the whole thing tears me apart as if I am in the middle. I shouldn't flatter myself with those kind of feelings. Still, seeing the two of you the way you are makes me so upset. Especially you Meliss. I just want to say the thing that makes it all better, all clear, and even though I know that those words don't exist, I keep looking for them. I love you both too much. And I hate it because there is nothing to do but wait. I have that feeling like I haven't let everything out, but no words are coming.

Oh well, too bed I guess. One of these days I'll get a good long blog in, like the old days when Sage would get mad at me for taking up the internet.

2003-09-09T22:23:00.000-04:00

I have much to write
perhaps tomorrow

2003-09-06T23:23:00.000-04:00

A blog of quotes, here we go.

My apologies to everyone, especially aaron todd who vehemently expressed that he was upset that I posted on the blog i said i was leaving. Well, i am leaving it, so I will repost the blog i posted there and continue on.

"Monday, September 01, 2003

Scott arrives today, he's from Australia and is traveling around the country. That stressed my mom because she wanted the place to look good for him. It looks okay... I don't think he'll care too much, I love Scott. Oh, btw. Scott works at my camp, I've been his favorite camper since his first year (I came before he did, that was 4 years ago). He works in circus. He's crazy acrobatic, real strong too, and flexible. That's what being a gymnast brings.
And in October, my brother is coming with his girlfriend and some other chick. That's three dirty hippies in one house, that'll be some good fun. My brother's going to be trying to impress his girlfriend the whole time though, oh well. not so bad.

So many visitors... it makes things interesting.
- posted by Alison @ 1:49 PM
4 wish to be heard, Aaron Todd! was the last "

So that's done, anyway, I had a great time with melissa and company yesterday. It was a great time, I'm really glad melissa and i are hanging out now, i really hoped I would get to be good friends with her, it's nice to know that that happened. So here is a quote from her comments server that I found hysterical.

"and stop correcting everything I do/say/whatever, please kthnx."
- Melissa Hevener's comment server

that one made me laugh... a lot

But on a more serious note, I was walking through philly, i had this beautiful tune in my head and I couldn't figure out what it was. Then i realized that it was "Both Sides Now." I am always happy when beautiful lyrics match a beautiful melody. But the song is perfect for me. It makes me feel better.

"Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun they rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real, I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show, you leave 'em laughin when you go
And if you care don't let them know, don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud, to say, "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange they shake their heads, they say
I've changed
But something's lost but something's gained in living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all"
- by Judy Collins (performed by Joni Mitchell... but no one will sing it like Molly McAdoo)

2003-08-29T23:26:00.000-04:00

I am losing interest in my blog. Umm... went to Gabe's yesterday, good time. we watched this awesome movie called "Camp Nowhere". We also made a few purchases at the dollar store. A lot of the teachers I have love him, that's good. He got O'donnel, I'm sooooooooooooo jealous! I better get him next year. I miss camp, I also miss my hebrew school friends, I'll have to call them tomorrow, I also miss USY, that'll be fixed soon enough.

2003-08-28T02:40:00.000-04:00

Today, or look at the time, yesterday rather. Yesterday I went to see two broadway shows, "Big River" and "Phantom of the Opera," the former which was absolutley incredible so ask me about it, and the latter, I decided, was poorly written, for reasons I will also explain if anyone cares to know. Juliet was super annoying all day. I saw my friend Leemore from camp for lunch, that was really nice. Actually I saw 6 people from camp in all, but the other 5 were by chance, that was really nice also.

2003-08-26T14:16:00.000-04:00

Bleak Sage: I don't think you are asking for trouble
StarChild765: people get passionate about stuff like that
Bleak Sage: eh
StarChild765: having your beliefs challenged is just so frightening
Bleak Sage: whatever
Bleak Sage: I don't think so
StarChild765: It's not like something you just think
Bleak Sage: not in my opinion
Bleak Sage: yeah
Bleak Sage: ...
Bleak Sage: I would have to answer that later because I am unsure of them...
StarChild765: It's something that you hold near and dear to your heart and the idea that what you've held true for so long could be messed with is so scary, it's like you've lived a lie your entire existence and have to start all over scared and alone.
Bleak Sage: well that is if you were brought up with a firm grounding in a certain belief
Bleak Sage: I haven't
StarChild765: i have not
Bleak Sage: there was nothing there for me to hold on to. So I created my own
StarChild765: i was brought up jewish but not very religious at all
Bleak Sage: no it is just the belief
StarChild765: any learning I decided to do after elementary school (which believe me is most of it) I have done myslef
Bleak Sage: the feeling that you have a background religously
Bleak Sage: you have something in which you can belong with others
Bleak Sage: I don't have that yet I do
StarChild765: Don't you have that in your church, it's an open church, but still you belong to something/
Bleak Sage: in my fellowship, everyone is on their own religious path, my leads a different way than everybody elses.
Bleak Sage: yes
Bleak Sage: that is what I mean
Bleak Sage: but I wasn't born into it
Bleak Sage: I wasn't raised it
StarChild765: but that's how it is at my synagaogue too
Bleak Sage: ?
Bleak Sage: you were born Jewish
StarChild765: it's amazing how many different beliefs stem from it
Bleak Sage: weren't you?
StarChild765: well kind of, my mom is a convert
Bleak Sage: you were raised Jewish weren't you
Bleak Sage: when did she convert?
Bleak Sage: before or after you were born
StarChild765: before, but it does change things a lot because a lot of growing up jewish has to do with your family being jewish and it only is on one side, a lot of judaism is based on traditoin and generations and so forth, well not reform judaism but that's a whole different thing all together
StarChild765: Jewish is a broad term when it comes to beliefs
Bleak Sage: but you were born Jewish
Bleak Sage: yes I know
StarChild765: the only thing you can really generalize it God, 10 commandments, and Jesus was just a guy
Bleak Sage: but Jews believe that their is God right?
Bleak Sage: yeah
Bleak Sage: I don't believe in God
StarChild765: I don't understand how that doesn't scare you out of your mind
Bleak Sage: you were born into it learning it as a truth and a hard fact.
Bleak Sage: I wasn'
Bleak Sage: t
Bleak Sage: when the truth is questioned, especially on something as big as religion, I can see why people get scared
StarChild765: I'm sure there are beliefs (not necessarily religiouis) that you could associate my feeling about it with
Bleak Sage: hmm?
StarChild765: I'm sure you have believed things that are not real, whether they are religious or not, that you could understand my feeling about it
Bleak Sage: Santa
StarChild765: just what i thought of
Bleak Sage: Hannuka Harry?
Bleak Sage: Easter Bunny
Bleak Sage: Tooth Fairy
StarChild765: The only time I ever heard of Hannuka Harry was as a big joke
StarChild765: what a load of christian inspired bull shit
StarChild765: what is our phrase for that again?
Bleak Sage: bullshit propoganda
Bleak Sage: i was joking about Hannuka Harry
StarChild765: that's the one
StarChild765: i figured as much
Bleak Sage: uhhuh
StarChild765: Still, my overall point is that the fight to be open yet not feel vulnerable, abandoned, and scared is frustrating and it is the fight against the latter that gets people's passions so high
Bleak Sage: yes
StarChild765: People with fake firm beliefs have the biggest trouble with it
Bleak Sage: you are correct in my opinion
Bleak Sage: I try to be liberal
Bleak Sage: it is hard though
StarChild765: Well I'm still not sure I know what that word means no matter how many times it's been defined to me but I try to be honest with myself. I am honest that no matter how long I was sure that God existed, I'm questioning it now, and that was not a choice on my part , it was just something that came about, and as much as it may scare me I have to follow it through. That keeps me from getting all crazy about it because I realize that it isn't other people
StarChild765: s attacking that is bringing my confidence down, it is myself, and that is easier to deal with and keeps me from putting up a huge defense so I can concentrate on the real problem.

2003-08-26T13:44:00.000-04:00

So last night I was about to go to sleep and I thought about how I don't say the Sh'ma anymore before I go to bed (that's a prayer that jews are supposed to say before they go to sleep at night and when they wake up in the morning). Shortly before the summer I started to question my faith in God. It wasn't something I decided, it was something that just happened, all of a sudden it was just harder to believe. The questioning made me feel strange about doing a lot of the things that I do including that, so I stopped for a while until I could figure things out for myself. I'm still in that same, not sure, kind of place but last night I was thinking about it and it all of a sudden occurred to me that if I was questioning God I was questioning afterlife and that was so scary. The idea that when your dead itt is just over is the scariest feeling ever, especially right before you go to sleep. Then I thought about what if the Christians were right and I was going to hell because I don't believe Jesus is the messiah. Then I thought about which scenario would be worse and the whole thing just scared me out of my mind, I wanted to run down to my mother and start crying but it was late and I didn't. I kept thinking what if it is all science and we are just living to promote evolution, what's the point. But then I was wondering how science could create feelings and thoughts aside from survival if that was the case, which was comforting. THen I thought about something Hartwell told us in 9th grade about how some scientist put all of what they suspect are the original materials that existed on earth in a controlled environment and zapped it with electricity and materials joined and separated but there was still no life. It could easily have just been done wrong, but still, it pacified me enough to get to sleep. Who'd've thought that the failure of science would be what gets me to sleep at night?

2003-08-26T01:00:00.000-04:00

Does anybody know when gabe and aaron are getting back?

2003-08-26T00:59:00.000-04:00

And so, I am back. Bowling tonight was fun. I still have to unpack. I miss french woods. I really really do. It's just this place where everyone loves the things that I love and we can enjoy them together. People are also so open there. But I feel that you need to be open to be a good actor, you need to know your feelings to access them. I will work hard this year, at everything. I have many places to go and will enjoy getting there.

On the last night of camp we were talking about how upset we were to be leaving and laura deutsch said "Look up." We did, the sky was absolutely gorgeous by the way, no light pollution, you can see so many stars, it's incredible. Then she said, "no matter where we are, we are always under the same sky." And she's right. Strangely, it's comforting to know that.
s

2003-06-08T23:14:00.001-04:00

Well, I did it, I went and made a new one. I'll be posting there from now on.

http://alisonsspecialpage.blogspot.com

remember to change the addresses of the links on your sites, sage or ryan, one of you needs to change it on the everybody site

2003-06-08T21:41:00.000-04:00

God, I need to change my layout. It's making me sick, I need something simpler. I may start a whole new blog, wash the crap away, Star new, with the old light. If you dont' know what that means, it's okay. I do.

Grr... sometimes, I hate myself for not understanding me.

"Not Gonna Get Us"
by Tatu

Not gonna get us
They're not gonna get us
Not gonna get us
Not gonna get us

Starting from here, let's make a promise
You and me, let's just be honest
We're gonna run, nothing can stop us
Even the night that falls all around us

Soon there will be laughter and voices
Beyond the clouds over the mountains
We'll run away on roads that are empty
Lights from the airfield shining upon you

Nothing can stop this, not now I love you
They're not gonna get us,
they're not gonna get us
Nothing can stop this, not now I love you
They're not gonna get us,
they're not gonna get us
They're not gonna get us

Not gonna get us
Not gonna get us

We'll run away, keep everything simple
Night will come down, our guardian angel
We rush ahead, the crossroads are empty
Our spirits rise, they're not gonna get us

My love for you, always forever
Just you and me, all else is nothing
Not going back, not going back there
They don't understand,
They don't understand us

Not gonna get us
Not gonna get us

Nothing can stop this, not now I love you
They're not gonna get us,
they're not gonna get us
Nothing can stop this, not now I love you
They're not gonna get us,
they're not gonna get us
They're not gonna get us
They're not gonna get us

So good. But it's like... I can't say this to people.

2003-06-07T23:16:00.000-04:00

Recital was nice. Needing people... what utter crap and confusion. I am throught with it.

Today I spared someone pain. It hurt me but it felt good because I was selfless about it.

I should have studied tonight. i didn't, I talked to Ryan. Oh well, that was nice, anyway. Much nicer than studying.

I like Hannah's eyes, not physically, althought i might if I remembered what they look like (I don't remember eyes too well, i feel like I should pay attention to those more) but I like the way she looks at things. It is refreshing and beautiful. I'll bet she writes beautiful poetry.

Chem study tomorrow. We had sure better get work done.

2003-06-06T23:54:00.000-04:00

When thinking what to write, I don't know how to say what I feel.

I'm kind of bored of my friends. No, that isn't it at all, I'm not bored of my friends. I just want more, I always want more. It's a problem. Maybe I'm not happy with myself and i'm looking to feel better about myself by having more friends. Maybe I'm just damn bored. I don't want to be insightful or any of that crap anymore, I just want to go driving and have sex or something. That was going way too far but you know what I mean. I'm bored as hell, I haven't hung out with the seniors in a while. I need crazy theater friends, haven't had any of those in a while either. But I guess it is good that I feel that way because I am going to camp which jam-packed with crazy theater people. None of this is coming out right. I am not saying what I mean. I was thinking today that maybe instead of making myself not need people, I cut myself off from people. I made myself not trust anyone except me so that I couldn't let people hurt me. Maybe I'm supposed to need people, just not so much.

I had a weird dream last night. Couldn't tell you about it. I think I'll write it down though.

Aughhhh... I just got so depressed thinking about how bored I am. Maybe bored isn't the word. Maybe I just feel like performing for everybody. I feel like no one has seen what I can do, nobody knows. I think maybe I want to just show off for everybody. It's been too long since I've been on a stage.

I want too much. I want everything. I think I'm really tired and I need to sleep.

But... God, I want to know everybody and I want them all to know me. I want to laugh and cry and feel everything completely. No more of this half ass, half numb crap. I want to dive into the world. I need some advice. I need a psychologist.

(about two hours later)

I just talked to Marcus. What a great kid. I can't wait for camp. 11 days.

2003-06-06T14:13:00.000-04:00

Confirmation...is done. It was actually a much nicer experience than I thought it would be. It was lovely and I DID MY PART RIGHT!!! First time I ever did. Well, it was the right time. The luncheon afterwards was nice too. I got a little time with everyone. I sat with my parents and Judy and my grandmother. That was nice, she gave me $50! I finally have money, my aunt sent me $20 as well. Then all my hebrew school friends appeared at my table and we all joked aroud with Judy. As we went to take a picture, I realized that this was goodbye, not really from each other, but from having and assured way of seeing each other and sharing our hebrew high school and confirmation experiences together. It was such a nice goodbye. I also realized that our little group had broken up, rearranged, people went out, etc. But somehow, everyone was back together for the end. I was amazed at how upset people were to leave me, but I always forget that they all go to school together, and I am the lone Abingtonian and the group of Cheltentham...tonians? But almost all of them are going to Gratz next year (like Hebrew school college), so I'll see them there. Big hugs all around. It was wonderful.

Now, recital and finals... uggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2003-06-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

Okay, today was a much better day. I felt really excited on the way to school, I didn't know why and I kind of didn't like it because I knew what loomed ahead of me and i didn't want to forget it. So I got to school and... well, i thought i had something to say, but i've got nothin.

1st period was pretty good. I told Sage all about my fire toys that I play with in the summer. I'm really looking forward to getting back to that. I told him about my acrobatic crap too, ooooooh it was nice to think about. We did Of Mice and Men and Catcher in the Rye review. I was so surprised, I knew the answer to every question. That could partly be because I just did all of my Catcher notes on Saturday. Hmmmm.... but I had mice and men down too. It made me proud. 2nd period, LAST DAY OF GYM!!!!!!!! Lovely. We played that cool pillow game. My favorite, what a great way to end the year. 3rd we went over stuff for final, 60/60 on the last quiz/test/quest/whatever, a nice end to math. 4th we partied it up. The seniors returned and we had pizza and tons of food and lots of diet soda (care of Luisa and Ash, i love them). Gretchen talked to me about physics. It was so great to see someone so excited about the kind of things i get excited about. (Forces of nature, using science and math to see how the universe works.) It was so refreshing, the kind of realization that got me back into math second semester. She is so talented and sweet and funny, one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. I didn't really feel the seniors leaving until the end of the period, it was so sad. Seth started playing the graduation song on the piano (yes aaron todd, vitamin C) and they were all singin it. I hugged Luisa first and then the rest of the seniors, then at the end, Luisa rushed me again and we hugged for like 5 straight minutes. I'm going to miss her so much. Luisa is so great, while we were hugging she was like "I think you're my favorite, I'm going to miss you the most." Besides feeling strangely like the scarecrow right before Dorothy goes back to Kansas, I almost cried. Gabe's a good kid. He got him and I passes, and I was like, we better go and he was like, "no, we've still got three minutes, i know how to write my passes." It was quite hilarious. I brought chips and salsa up to Grosch's room, she seemed very concerned about me taking the test early. Today all people did was review for that test, people were having a really hard time with relative pronouns. She kept coming into the hall and asking if I was all right and saying people were struggling and if I needed anything just to get her. It didn't seem too bad, I probably failed. Note, at this point I still didn't know what was going to be on the chemistry test 7th period. So I went to 6th where I planned on learning chemistry from matt uhrich, he tried to help but ms. williams was like, "Alison! You've got a dragon to draw." So while everyone reviewed all period, she made me draw a dragon on a big piece of paper. When I asked her for my drawing of the body, she showed me all thse other people's dragons. Some of them were about a million times better than mine, i do not know why she's having me do it. Especially, Marisa's her's was reallys good, second best, this one person's was fuckin amazing! It kind of looked like they traced my sweatshirt though, that was a little odd, but i guess because the head was in profile. Extra credit is extra credit. Of course, the lady deciding also think that's dragons and dinosaurs are the same thing... 7th, the chem test wasn't too bad, i kinda made quite a few things up, they kind of made sense, i hope it's all right. 8th was my last O'donnel study hall. We were in the cafeteria, so I got to sit right across from him. It was a very nice study hall. I thanked him for a lovely year, i hope i get him as a teacher.

I missed the bus because I was checking with Mrs. Hauger about my AP situation. So I sat in on SAT II session. Chemistry is so much more interesting in a closed environment like that. It actually made me want to take the SAT II's, it excited me. I'm kinda glad I missed my bus because I had forgotten to get some unexcused absences cleared up. Just one more card to fill out.

I got home and ate and my stress and worry built up again. Then I went to voice lesson. On the way, my mom was like, "Alison, i have to ask you a serious question. Are you doing any drugs?" I said no, and asked her why she thought that. She said I had a really out of it look on my face this morning and she wanted to make sure. But the things is, she wouldn't believe me, she kept asking if I was taking anything like, because i've been overwhelmed or something, i got prescription drugs. I kept telling her no. I don't think that she really believes me, I don't care. i think it'll make her nicer to me as opposed to meaner. She's nicer to the children with problems. Voice lesson was good. Recital on Saturday, oh joy ▼ε~ç⌂1┼|æ⌂╔╪c₧╦,▓┘{,π╩ε█&&$≥ (that is my sarcasm emoticon). I told her about my mom asking me that, she said that I should've said, "No, but my sister is!" Sue got a real kick out of that one, I love her!

I went to visit my grandfather in the hospital. Yesterday his heart started racing, they gave him shock treatment which got him noramlized. It was nice to see him.

Confirmation is tomorrow. I am looking forward to it being over.

Valerie didn't see me today, that bothers me a little, but I am all right now. Still, I won't get to see her again at least until September. We were supposed to talk about what she is going to say to my parents when she calls. I wonder if she'll call if we haven't talked about it. She might call me. The passes probably got messed up again, that has happened a number of times. Oh well, I'm sorry i didn't get to say goodbye to her though.

Today as I sat and waited for my bus, it felt like it was the very last day of school, even though it wasn't. I felt sad because I felt like I hadn't said goodbye to anyone. I realized what Holden meant when he said that he needed to get his goodbye.

2003-06-05T19:24:00.000-04:00

I really need to update this... every time i read this i'm like, FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My blog needs a chill entry, it's on its way.

2003-06-04T18:36:00.000-04:00

We can do some more levels:

Irritability: 50%
Panic: 30%
Flip Out: 20%
Frustration: 10%
Stress: 80%

Levels are down and that is good. Now we can go through the list

1. Study for math (check, test taken, we'll see)
2. Service Learning Form #1 (check)
3. Service Learning Form #2 (check)
4. Get an appt with guidance counselor (i did one better, i went to see her aafter school and got most of my courses straightened out, i've still got american history to fix but i visited the social stodies office and i'm working on it)
5. Straighten Out Absences (got this one halfway done, finish up tomorrow)
6.Take a Valium (save this one for later)
7. Exercise (so not happening today)
8. Get confirmation part down (i actually did this, thank goodness)
9. Do homework (still have to study for chem)
10. Study for Finals (not done yet)

To Kate: I would like to apologize for the way I acted in English, it couldn't have been pleasant for you to watch me blow up at the whole world. And thank you for listening as I poured some of my stress into your lap without even asking you to hear it, it was good to tell someone and you seemed like you were really listening, it was helpful.

I have been known to say that I don't like it when people are moody but don't control themselves, i have said that if people are having bad days they shouldn't take it out on everyone else and that they should at least apologize in advance for the way they might act, while still mostly being in control. Well, i realized i have been so against that and I would like to make a general apology to anyone i've taken my bad days out on. I might feel so crazed that i'm going insane but that isn't any of your fault, you guys have only been trying to help and be good friends and I have had absolutely no right to take it out on you the way that i have been. I've been apologizing but it hardly makes up for it. So from now on, even if my bad day streak continues, i will make a much greater effort to conquer my irritability and reactiveness and try to calmly explain how i am feeling and warn you when i am getting too emotional.

Thank you for all the help you've tried to give (i say try because i probably didn't accept it because i was being stubborn).

2003-06-04T09:07:00.000-04:00

Let's do the level check:

Irritability: 100%
Panic: 60% and rising
Flip out: 80% (Flipped out on Sage 1st period)
Frustration: 100%
Stress: 100%

To do List:
1.Study for Math (or not)
2. Service Learning Form #1
3. Service Learning Form #2
4. Get an appt with guidance counselor (yeah right, like she's EVER see me)
5. Straighten out absences
6. Take a Valium
7. Exercise (i don't want to, i don't, i don't, i don't)
8. Get confirmation part down (like this will ever happen)
9. Go to confirmation rehearsal
10. Do homework
11. Study for Finals

Do I have time to do this all today? No. I have to straighten everything out with my damn guidance counselor who refuses to see me whenever i make an appointment. I am emotionally freaking out. I really just want to go home and I would but I have a lab at the end of the day and if I had to make up a lab I might have a thousand panic attacks as opposed to ten. I shouldn't drink any coffee for the rest of the week, caffeine doesn't really do anything to me, but it couldn't hurt to be safe.

Meliss, don't worry about me, it's nice to know that you care, though. You are one of the few that isn't getting on my nerves, lately. Anyone who is getting on my nerves, it isn't their fault, it's my fault, but... whatever. Maybe it's just all these finals and finishing up the year that's really stressing me out, if I knew I had that extra week after the end of school I would feel a little better but I NEVER GET A BREAK. My dad says I would have plenty of time if I would use my time effeciently, he is probably right. I probably don't use my time efficiently at all. I almost started crying at the beginning of this period to Dennis, I just can't take school anymore, my recital is on Saturday and a I have a rehearsal on Friday night which means even less time to study for finals and stupid confirmation is on Friday so I'm missing a review day. My mouth hurts again.

It's weird because, I write all this stuff down, and afterwards, I feel like I didn't say any of what I wanted to say.

2003-06-03T18:02:00.000-04:00

Of late, I am being, a lousy communicater. I am not expressing myself well and I'm falling back into the place where I do not fee like expressing myself because I find it to be too much emotional work. Bad bad bad. Jealousy, very slight but there. Crtical, very slight (for others) but there. This tells me that I am not accepting myself. I don't like how I've been acting, malicious humor, not mean, but very unhealthy.

I have found today that I want to speak to my parents as little as possible, I see it as a huge chore. I just realized that one a few minutes ago. I have to figure out what's wrong with me. I don't know what it is, though. And I'm afraid that I'll forget everything I've learned. I don't know how to remember, and I don't trust it to stay with me. I know I need to keep talking but I don't want to...hmm... I am withdrawing, never knew I did that before, well that's great, another one to add to the list.

Well, to go into more detail with the not feeling like talking. I am uncomfortable around everyone, I don't feel like talking to anyone, almost, and when I think of someone I'd like to talk to and then think of talking to them about this I immediately feel the dread of the work involved. I realized that I won't be talking to Valerie until Thursday, that sucks, oh well. Maybe it is a dread of somethings else (see the sentence before last), I don't know. All I know is that I don't feel like talking to anyone or hanging out with anyone or even talking to anyone on the phone. Maybe I'm doing the "have to be strong" thing too. I am truly confused and in a mess, maybe ryan's right about the weather but I think, at least for me, it is more than that. I figured one thing out about what is wrong, too bad I can't discuss it here, it embarrasses me. I might talk about it if somebody addresses me privately, I'm not quite sure, but I think I will because I should. Please try to pull things out of me, if I don't want to talk to you, make me, please. I'm trying but a little encouragement would be helpful to know that you want to listen. And please, people, don't give me the, "if you need to talk, call ###-####, i'm here" crap, I know that you are there, that doesn't help much right now.

In better news, i got a 265/275 on my term paper. I got 5 off for something weird I did with the works cited page and I got 5 off for turning one thing in late. Lodewick told me that it was excellent, at least i didn't dissapoint one person.

2003-06-02T22:14:00.000-04:00

Tonight: a horrible end to a horrible day.

I am too tired to tell you all what happened, I'll just give you the heart of it. I am tired of letting everyone down. I had a panic attack tonight, I just couldn't take it. I keep letting everyone down, they do nice things for me and I am a dissapointment. I am nothing to no one, but they all have faith in me and I dissapoint them. I don't even like that I'm writing this because I feel like I'm dissapointing everyone who thinks I'm strong or whatever. This is so bad, I just cried and cried and cried. I'm lucky to have good friends in my confirmation class, they just sat with me. I'm not lucky, I'm blessed, I don't care what you all believe in, but I am blessed. But I'm tired of screwing up, I'm tired tired tired. I feel like I've done nothing. The irritability is gone, the bitchiness is gone, it all drained out of me with the crying, but I'm still hurting, God, that word used to be so good and now it is shit. I just feel absolutely...oh hold on, i need a new word for this that feels right...I looked through imood, nothing. Something simpler, I need something simpler. I always just need something simpler. Simple simple simple simple simple simple simple simple............................................................................................................................... This sucks so much. My dad is such an ass hole, I want to call Valerie, she said that I could, but this stuff is mostly my fault, I think, and I feel so stupid calling her, but she has people she sees with greater needs than mine. She told me that I could call her whenever I needed to, but I think she just meant if my dad was hitting me, and he's not so I don't. I really wanted to tonight, but I won't and I don't, and I hope she sees me tomorrow while this is all fresh in my mind. I wouldn't feel so bad calling her if I paid her to see me, but I don't. My problems are so stupid, I need to get a life... or get another.

2003-06-02T09:31:00.000-04:00

I have been in such a bad mood this morning. I only feel a little bit irritable but I'v been snapping at people all morning. I don't like it when I do that. I'm trying to chill. I should probably just ramble about things that are making me angry, maybe I'll hit the root or something.

I'm trying to get an extra week at home so that I can get some stuff done and I can see you guys a little more before I go. I want to miss precamp, so I asked my parents if we could just put the money into another sesssion. I said that I would take the bus but my dad will find any excuse to say that I am wrong. Of course Alison can't want to do anything productive during the week, she only wants to hang out with her "gentile" friends. Oh, that really pissed me off, what the hell does people's religion have to do with anything. And I have things that I do want to do that are productiv.e I told them but they don't belive me. My mom keeps agreeeing and my dad keeps getting her to disagree. I'm so tired of his crap, he's a little baby. His arguments make no sense. He has these ideas in his head about what it means for you later if you go to precamp and I told him that he's wrong but he doesn't believe me. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... I honestly just don't want to go right after school. I want a week and a half to just rest. I don't want to have to rush, I need a breather so badly. I want to just cry and get all of this out of my system. Oh well.

I got some stuff done in theory today, proud of myself. Reread my essay in English and concluded that it isn't good even though I wanted it to be. That upsets me, I guess I'll get over it.

Mark came over and we watched Futurama (cartoon network) most of this period on DVD.That was cool. What a funny show, I miss cartoon network, I need to start watching again.

2003-06-01T21:09:00.000-04:00

I'm laughing at things and realizing that they're not really funny. I'm laughing as a nervous habit. I'm nervous. Hmm... now I have to think about what I really think of those things, or rather, what i really feel about them.

2003-05-31T00:30:00.000-04:00

Today was a much better day than yesterday. Although I was really worried about school work and grades. It was the old kind of worry, I haven't felt that in a really long time, maybe not since last year. It was driving me crazy though, making me really edgy, especially third period. In Lodewick's class we were doing our essays for Of Mice and Men, I'm worried that I didn't do very well, mostly because I wanted to do so well. At the end of the period I hadn't finished it and Mr. Lodewick looked at me after the 2nd period bell rang and I said, "I'm staying here until I'm done." and I got back to work. Sage waited for me for a while, I'm not sure why, but thanks, Sage. After I was done, Mr. Lodewick told me he expected brilliance because I took so long, he was just kidding, but it's been making me nervous all the same. Those essay test grades are definitely the most important to me out of any grade I receive. 4th I got gabe to buy me a muffin, I like muffins. Academic access was fun today. Sage, Melissa, and I were just chillin and it was really nice and relaxing. I was looking around and I thought to myself, wow, I really like everyone on this half of the room (I like the people on the other half but I really like the people on the half I was on), that was nice. Haha, melissa, get ready for the compliments you love so much. I got to see Melissa's portfolio today, it was utterly amazing! Not only is she an amazing artist but she has a use of color in her art that is better than any I have ever seen! When she was up, doing her presentation, I looked at her in her glasses and the tie-dye shirt she made herself, talking about how wrong it is that unrealistic, airbrushed magazine models are glorified in journalism when we could be teaching our women to see their inner-beauty and I thought to myself, "I can't believe I have such a cool person as a friend." Props, meliss. Among the greats (not the jokes ones) were hers, Jamie Gershgows, and Lin Gyi's. Lin Gyi did organ donation and had this amazing opposition rebuttle. She said that the opposition to organ donating is that people have religiuus beliefs that say that you should stay the way that God made. And she rebuttled with, "With all due respect, God gave you a heart and i think you should use it." She said it so amazingly, not rude, no attitude, just straight from her heart. I loved it,

Tonight, Melissa and her family, Aaron Todd, and I all went to (evil music) The Institute (end ovil music) to see As You Like It, They were sooooooo good, The oldest kid was 12 but they were acting the parts so well and they all knew exactly what they were saying. I was so imporessed. The best part, however, was when these two little boys (8 yrs. old maybe?) had to entertain Touchstone and Audrey as the Duke's paiges. This little black boy and this little white boy were singing this studpid song and they were so little and cute and weren't singing together at all and had trouble with the high notes. THey were so funny, they were amazing. THe best parts were when the little white boy would just start laughin in the middle of the song and the little black boy would have to sing by himself. They stole the show. Aaron Todd and I were late coming back after intermission. We were sidetracked by the amazing campus of this school. It was absolutely gorgeous. We went to this fountain and talked about Harry Potter and then we saw these stairs and we started playing Willy Wonka down the stairs (the scene when they're entering the dream room - "Pure Imagination"). Then we got to the bottom of the steps and were dancing and we realized everyone had gone back inside. That school was beautiful and Melissa is so Glenn Doman.

I am obsessed with the sun. I am in love with it. Any words with it, sun, sunlight, sun rays, sun drops, sunshine (especially), all of it, I love it. I love day and light, anything having to do with the sun. I just realized that, I should chill with it, huh?

2003-05-30T22:58:00.000-04:00

I think what I feel, and I feel what I think
Sometimes I feel nothing and sometimes I sink
A passion arises me out of my mist
But never am I overcome with sweet bliss
And the work of the day leaves me tired and weathered
And to worry and wishing my freedom is teathered
Nothing is done and no credit due
And I laugh because I am blue, I am blue

The choices are mine, and my heart at stake
But decisions are never easy to make
And the gut can lie or it I defy
And when I do, I can always always say why
I want so much and that I desire
Only that will end which to myself is dire
Nothing is done and no credit due
And I laugh because I am blue, I am blue

I reach out to touch what I see in my dreams
Yet with thought of reality it tears at the seams
It becomes what sickens my stomach and chest
I'm filled with ailment, a terrible mess
Have I been ruined and do I regret?
That is something that I haven't done yet
Nothing is done and no credit due
And I laugh because I am blue, I am blue

At time's I see with a loving eye
And at times I just want to cry and cry
And I think and decide and try and try
But the truth is it's always a lie a lie
Because I never ever can find out why
Nothing is done and no credit due
And I laugh because I am blue, I am blue

How can I show you guys this crap? I hate myself for writing it and showing it to you, I don't know why I do it, maybe to get acceptance from you for it. (ready for relating life to books?) It's like Crooks in Of Mice and Men, he's so alone that he's going insane and he has no one to tell him let him know that he's thinking straight, to give hima reality check. It seems maddening.

2003-05-29T18:53:00.000-04:00

Three stories:

1. I was out walking my dog when I noticed this tree across the street from my house and it had these tiny yellow blossoms on it. As I walked under it the wind blew ever so slightly and all of these tiny yellow flowers were raining down except they were floating because they were so light. I felt like a fairy princess. Me in my flowy skirt with my little white dog walking under this magical tree and I walked on a path of yellow flowers as the same ones floated down on me and the sun was shining right on me as it slowly descends into the horizon. It was absolutely beautiful.
2. I went to my voice lesson and got out of practicing for recital. We worked my voice the whole time, it was really nice. It's like hard work that I don't mind doing because I love working my voice, I'm glad about that. I had a good lesson, I was picking up on new things very quickly and everything was working. She told me that I really have to start working my ass off at home. I'm willing. I felt better after that. I always feel better after my lesson. It's like I go back to the simpler time that was only six months ago. It just makes me wonder if I feel better or I'm still on emotional shut down. I wish I knew.
3. My mother and I went to Dunkin Donuts to get more coffee for the coffee machine. Ususally when there's three people standing up there one of them says they'll take your order so you know which one. They all just stood there looking at me so I kind of studdered until one of them identified himself as the one I could order from. So I did and then he was trying to work the register when my mom came over and was like, "is there still a special on the pound of coffee.?" And the girl of the three was like, it's my first day. And then she asked the guy at the register and he was like, it's my third day. And then we called somebody over and were like, what day is it for you? And he was like, it's my second day. It was hilarious, especially when they started trying to work the cash register. The one guy was like, I don't know what i'm doing and the other guy came over and was like, you don't know how to punch in a dunkacinno? And the first guy was like, i don't know, i just started pressing buttons. And they played around with that for like five minutes for just a dunkacinno and a pound of coffee. I just kept laughing, i felt really bad but they were insulting each other (playfully) and it was just so funny. When they finished, the second guy was like, At least we provide entertainment. And I just nodded through my laughter. Best store experience, ever.

2003-05-29T17:00:00.000-04:00

First period we saw the end of Of Mice and Men. I cried my eyes out, I swear I was the only one in the room that did that, I couldn't figure out why. People teared, but I was crying, maybe I let it come because I like crying. In fact I love crying, I love crying so much. I really enjoy it while I am crying, I feel like I'm finally getting feelings out, but it always ends too soon. Of Mice and Men is the best book I have ever read and one of the best movies I have ever seen. Essay test is tomorrow, I really want to do well, I hope I do. He wrote a really nice message to me on my Death of a Salesman essay, I'm glad he did that. But when he killed Curley's wife, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't crying and then when George and Lenny saw each other from across the lake and ran at each other, it just came. Then Lennie kept crying abot how he didn't forget, he just couldn't find the brush, that made me cry harder. And I almost stopped crying at the end, but then they did the flashbacks of them walking together and realize how much they love each other and they were just streaming down my face, I didn't try to stop them, I didn't want them to stop. I love things that move me, especially when they make me cry. That's why my favorite movies and plays and books are sad ones, I guess.
2nd period we got bored with lacrosse so we decided to look for four leaf clovers, we didn't find any.
3rd math, whatever.
4th we finished watching Evita, another death. I really liked that movie, the music was good and I thought that it was just very well done.
5th they were talking about elections and Kayla said (I think she was serious, too), "I know why I didn't get elected, I'm a snotty bitch, that's why no one likes me." I had clap my hands over my mouth to keep from yelling "Hell yes!"
6th, we watched slides, I drew this cool picture, Matt gave me a thank you card, that was really nice. After this class we all went out of world civ and I saw ryan. I believe it is the first time I have talked to him face to face since we broke up. It was really nice.
7th we had some quiz that for some reason I didn't know about. i never know about anything in that class, it is my fault I suppose. I couldn't do any examples because I wrote them on a separate sheet of paper to go with my outlines, suck, doesn't it?
8th i went to study hall and drew a dragon on the board. It was a sketch for the one I have to give to williams for extra credit. It wasn't too bad by the end of the period. Both Aaron and Melissa came, I'm glad they were both there. Mr. O'Donnel says I'm his 96th favorite student in the school. Hey, I'm not complaining, there are about 1600 kids in our school, that puts me in about the 94th percentile. Beisdes, aaron is 97 so he likes me better. Melissa didn't even make the list, poor melissa.
I decided to stay after school on a whim and come to chem SAT II practice. When I got there, the bad feeling got worse than ever, I just didn't want to be there, I kept telling aaron I was going to go to the library. Then he was just like, "do you want me to come with you?" So we were going to go the library but on the way we just decided to lay out on the grass. I'm really glad we did that, it was so nice out there. It helped to just be out there so calm and peaceful and warm. It was beautiful outside. i just layed there and let myself do nothing, I think that it was good for me.

There is something really wrong with me. I don't know what it is but has been getting progressively worse all day. Just now, my dad asked me to walk the dog and I told him I needed 15 minutes and It got me so upset that I started to cry. Only a few tears but that is obviously not what the problem was. Ryan gave me the idea of associating different emotions with the part of my body I feel it in. That has been extremely helpful today. This morning before school I was a little angry, it was left over from last night. Anger is in my chest, right above my solar plexus. When I got to school I was fine until I rememberd I was going to at then end of 2nd period. I got this sinking feeling right below my solar plexus, that is upset. It lessend but still stayed for a while until 3rd when it weakened a little but it held fast through to 6th period when it began to increase. The discomfort stayed in the upset place but also began to happen around my belly button, that's sad. In my throat too but I don't know what that is yet. Well the throat thing went away but the upset and sad increased through 7th period, I went to the bathroom and just gagged. I wanted to cry but it wouldn;t come. So I went back to class. Study hall was nice, and comfortable and safe feeling but I still felt it (though it loosened its grip a little bit) and even when Melissa and Aaron Todd came, i was glad to see them but it didn't change it any. Like I said, it was at its peak when i stood in front of the chem room after school and it lessened a little but stayed while i was with aaron. When I got home it was still here but now my defense mechanisms are going up and cutting off my feeling, i hate that, then i have to fight the defense mechanisms and i have to fight the problem itself. I just got a sharp pain right through my upset and sad area. I have to figure out what the problem is and soon.

When Aaron and i were outside, we talked a lot about the summer. I realized how much I am going to miss all of you. I'm really upset that i won't be getting to hang out with you guys much this summer. I really want you all to write me. I'll give you all the address a little later. But it made me realize how much I'm missing out on by going away fror so long. I want you guys to tell me everything. Send me pictures. I was talking to aaron and he asked me why I was going to stay away for so long. I thought about it and said, "I never had a reason to stay before."

2003-05-28T22:24:00.000-04:00

I am the sun.
I am the air.
I am human and I need to be loved,
Just like everybody else.
- Theme from Charmed (I've listened to the whole song and I've tried to listen to the words over and over again but I just can't seem to listen.)

2003-05-28T22:14:00.000-04:00

When the last moon is cast
Over the last star of morning
And the future is past
Without even a last desperate warning,

Look into the sky, where through
The clouds a path is torn.
Look and see her,
How she shimers.
It's the last unicorn.
I'm alive... I'm alive.
- "The Last Unicorn" Kenny Loggins

It;s already written in the side box but it bears repeating.

2003-05-28T18:16:00.000-04:00

The blog today...

First of all, I'm sorry I wasn't at the computer to get your message melissa, (215) 887-8202

In the past few weeks, I have gotten 4 CDs from people. Which reminds me, I will burn yours tonight, Melissa, and return it to you tomorrow. From Melissa, Ryan, Sage, and Aaron Todd. I love it when you guys give me your music to listen to. I feel like you are sharing yourselves with me when you do. I don't know, it just feels great, thank you.

I talked to Valerie today (the school psychologist), i think she wants me to call her Valerie. She is terribly nice. I really like her, I felt a lot better after talking to her. I don't know why, I didn't tell her anything different than I told anyone else. But I just felt better after talking to her. After I left there, I went to 6th, but I went to the bathroom first. Ashley Waters is a genius, she put her wordy sign on the inside door of the stall. Where else is a person more likely to read her sing? Genius! As I walked out, the bell rang. It was cool, because I walked past my World Civ (that's my 6th period class) door and Jackie and Matt were coming out. They wer like, "WHERE WERE YOU?" And I said, "School psychologist rocks!" She is so smart, she always gets me out of the worst classes.

But the big happenings were in Chem. We had a double lab period and all we were doing was lab clean up. We were making sure we had all the supplies together and cleaning. This is one of those easy jobs that is fun. I am a great worker when I'm working with friends. So, Dave, Matt, Laura, Aaaron, and I all chillded. Okay, I so think that Aaron should be written like I just did with 3 A's, that looks amazing. I'm writing it like that from now on. Anyway, we were cleaning and I got to talk to Matt and Dave about how they make me feel. I told them that I know I am insane, but I act even more insane around them than I do around most people. It's because I really like them, and they're so quiet and I feel like they're judging me sometimes, especially dave. But I felt better when I told them, and they take it well. I also got to tell them why I like them, which was nice. Gabe told me he was coming 8th period, well he did and i was like, just come work at my lab station like you are in the class. I dont' know how it got to us trying to not let ms. vonmeyer know that he was there but it was utterly hilarious!He was working at aaron's lab station and she came over and he just slid over to ours. There was a point where she was standing right next to him and she didn't notice him. We were doing the funniest things to hide him. It was soooooooooooooo funny. Than things got a little more solemn. Laura and Matt were a mess. They broke up. They both talked to me. I felt so special that they chose me to talk to. They both told me that i helped which made me feel even better. Of course I didn't really feel good because they were both so upset, but they are both amazing people. I am really happy to know them and for them to trust me.

I am covered in relief from head to toe. It washes over me. I don't have any desire to feel anything else but it, and it feels so good. Every time I go to change my mood I realize that it is truer than ever and leave it. Oh yes. It started this morning with Sage, and went with Josh, Laura, Aaron, Gabe, and all of your blogs. It just kept increasing.

I love listening to new artists, they always give me new insight into my songs. Every time I hear someone new I really like, my songs have a part of that artists style in them. It is so nice. I wrote a new song today, i love the way it sounds, so cool. It was really true too. It sometimes feels fabricated but this one felt really true. It was good. Very good.

2003-05-28T09:10:00.000-04:00

Aaron Todd has amazing taste in music.

Hey, Aaron, when you read this, put up some groups or people you like a lot up on my comments server. Thanks.

2003-05-28T09:09:00.000-04:00

What made me angry yesterday is slowly freeing me. I have to learn to trust my judgement, because, often to my dismay, I am usually right. Even if I found out much later. And...I'm kind of glad. I just kept thinking, this isn't how it should be, everything was a warped reality, and... I was right. Everything is right now because that wasn't how things were supposed to be. I am free of the mixed up wrong world. I'm not back to anything. I am forward. Better forward. With every word I write I feel better and better. More and more at peace.

Bjork is sooooooo good.

2003-05-27T22:00:00.000-04:00

A lot of things on my incredibly tired mind. I didn't know I could feel so much while being so tired. But then again, bad feelings are easy. Listening to Ryan talk about love makes me really angry. It is so hard for me to trust someone and I know he didn't do it on purpose but it makes me angry anyway. But see, now it doesn't make me angry, now I just get upset. I feel selfish for it, beacuse I knew that I didn't love him. I knew it. So why should this mistake of his hurt me. But I guess I did like him a lot and I feel like I trusted him and he broke the trust. It took me so long to believe and when I finally did, I shouldn't have. I don't want to not trust people, but I'm afraid if things like this keep happening then I am going to not be able to. It scares me. It isn't fair, but then again, nothing is fair. At the same time, everything is fair. Nothing is fiar. Everything is fair. When I say each of them, something tells me that that is absolutely not true and to say its opposite. Oh dear, this is the kinda thing I want to cry to someone about. Not just about this circumstance, I want somoene to listen while I just sit and cry about my life in general, while I sit around for a half hour and feel sorry for myself. I don't condone that ussually but I need it. The person I have in mind for this doesn't seem to be the person that I should presently, its weird that she's the one I think of based on recent discoveries.

So I yelled at deaf ears. My parents for giving Charly medicine. My dad is almost as bad as my mom in this. I don't know which one I can't stand more. I think the only reason I ever like my dad more is because sometimes he is logical and he leaves me alone more. Mom nags but she listens every once in a while and she's not as much of a little baby. But I screamed about that then somehow it came back to the two times he hit me. He told me to move on and she told me to make sure I tell teh psychologist how mean and nasty I am to my parents and how I hit and kick my mother. I DO NOT TOUCH MY MOTHER. When I was younger I would hit herrarely. Every once i a while even a year or two ago I might very rarely and not hard. But I haven't in at least a year, and it is irrelevant. I told him I wouldn't move on because he hasn't admitted he was wrong. He siad that there really is no right and wrong in those circumstances. I wanted to kill him. And you know what my mom said? She said, "Show me your permanent scars," Do we really want to wait to stop it until it gets to the point where I have permanent scars? I won't open to them, I can be a damn nasty bitch. I don't want to be. But when i am in a bad mood, I can't tell them about it or why, it is easier for me just to act like I am always a nasty bitch, to snap at their every question. My dad kept telling me to walk the dog, had I been on better terms with him I could've said I was dealing with some anger and upsetting things and I needed to not walk the dog right then, to sit and write it out. Nut I couldn't do that, so I had to just refuse like I was lazy. Now I'm punished for it, I don't care anymore.

I got some catcher done. Not much but I'm glad that it was something. I know that my tiredness is making my emotions go crazy and that I really just need some sleep. I'll be getting to bed in a few minutes.

I woke up at 5 this morning (I went to bed at 3) to finish Of Mice and Men. It is probably the best book I have ever read. I love every word of it, every scene. everything means something else. I'm not enjoying talking about this, so i am going to stop. But I loved it and cried three times during the book and in the movie I even started tearing when George was telling Lennie about the rabbits in the very beginning.

In lighter news, Sage, I went and wrote your song. I didn't actually expect to but I did and its pretty good. Too bad you may never get to hear it. I wrote another one two, they must suck, I'm spouting 'em off like water.

I really want to talk to Hannah and Melissa, I don't know why them but i do. I do terribly, but I'm scared too because I don't know what we would talk about or how we would get there. It's a very weird feeling. I don't like anything that I am feeling right now and I don't want to go to bed with it but I have to. Good night.

2003-05-27T17:00:00.000-04:00

18% of teens believe in love at first sight. I don't, at least not for myself. I guess there are people... and they feel stuff. But is it love? Then again, what is love, just another hopeless feeling that so many percieve so differently that it hold no meaning for anyone? I know that I couldn't fall in love at first sight, it just wouldn't happen. That's the kind of thing that'll take a long time for me, I can tell... it frustrates me sometimes.

I want to try one of Hannah's freewrites, I think I will very soon.

How come the only classical (this meaning including the baroque, romantic, and all other periods besides modern) music i can find that will move me is the kind that i can not get a hold of. I'll hear something in a movie or even on a commerical and I think, wow this piece is amazing, i want it. But I can't have it because I have no way of finding out what it is. It is very frustrating.

I got a 260 out of 275 on my paper, and you know what i'm wondering? I'm wondering what's wrong with it. Damn, if that isn't a good enough grade for me than what is?

Maybe it isn't that, maybe it is just that I am tired and a lot hurts.

2003-05-27T15:54:00.000-04:00

maybe I'll start poluting the joint blog instead of my own.

2003-05-27T15:53:00.000-04:00

have you ever had one of those foods that you forget how good they are until you taste them again, and then you might eat it for a little while but you always forget again?

yeah anyway, saltines.

2003-05-27T15:47:00.000-04:00

"The world can suck and girls can suck, but it isn't quite the same thing."

2003-05-27T15:38:00.000-04:00

It's a maze this garden,
It's a maze of ways,
It could lead a man astray,
take a left then,
turn it left again,
So us all can find the way.
- The Secret Garden

2003-05-27T15:33:00.000-04:00

I would like to apologize for any of the strange things i write today, be it comments servers, joint blog, or my own homebase. I am very very tired, i have had only two short hours of sleep and even they wer not true sleep 'at all.

"You are caustic to my soul like acid rain."
- I said that to Dave today in Chem. I immediately apologized for my craziness but I like the way it sounds.

The worst part about being tired like this is that i do not feel in control of my actions. Like, i can control if I hit someone or yell but I can't control my weirdness at all. I don't like it, I act reallly really, strangely, i don't know how else to put it. My actions don't sit well with me but I can't really change them. I just let the day pass and dream of sleep.

2003-05-27T01:58:00.000-04:00

Grrr... you know what my problem is? I put assignments off until the last second, than I have to do them all at once. I'm so overwhelmed by that idea that i don't end up getting them done. I have to learn to be able to do a little at a time. I don't get so much work, and it wouldn't be such a big deal if i would just space it the hell out. Then I wouldn't be so dissapointed in myself for turning things in late.

Sometime I really hate myself.

2003-05-26T21:25:00.000-04:00

I cut myself with a knife.
I jumped with surprised but grinned
as I felt the relief of the thick red blood
as it oozed over my clean, white skin.
And I did not move to wipe it away,
with a towel's fiery singe.
I just closed my eyes,
enjoying the cries,
rising out from deep within.

Expression is like the relief you feel as the blood comes out of the cut. It feels better, not worse and for some reason you don't want to stop it. But at some point you have to let the blood clot. But you let it bleed as long as you can.

And I couldn't bear the thought of
tainting with water so clear and thin,
So I licked it, licked it, licked so clean,
the mess off my torn, puffy, skin.
And I looked at the small red sliver
that had just been a dense, deadly stream.
And I smiled again as I thought to myself,
Things are not always as they seem.

2003-05-26T19:03:00.000-04:00

I hate getting angry at other people because I always end up just being angry at myself. When I read Sage's comment on my last blog it made me really mad, as you can see by response. I have not been responding to criticism very well lately at all. I know I have to but I've been getting angry, that didn't used to happen, it upsets me. Anyway, I let the anger grip me but I forced myself to ask myself if he was right. I don't know about the trying to hard thing because I'm not sure exactly what he means. About comparing myself to others, it's the only way I know how to understand other people. I reread my blog, I didn't really see where I was comparing myself to the sluts. I also reread what I said to you, Sage, and I honestly don't think I was elevating myself above you, I thought I complimented you and I just noticed something that I thought was similar in us and I tried to help by using a method that helped me, if it doesn't help, oh well, but please don't criticize me for trying to be a good friend. If trying to be a good friend is trying to hard than that's just too damn bad. There's another thing about that that gets me angry with you, Sage, but I'd have to tell you in person if I told you at all.

So now I get to the part where I talk about thinking I am better than others. I just reread what you said, Sage, and it made me angry all over again. Somehow the way you said that whole thing makes me furious. But made myself think, do I really think that I am better than others? Maybe I do, I know I am not, but maybe I think that I am. Then I tried to think of what it means to be better than someone else and realized that I didn't even know what that meant, to be better than someone. Maybe sometimes I think I am better than everyone and sometimes I think myself the lowest creature on the earth and there is no in-between. But I'm not so sure about that. I have a feeling that some of the things you criticize me for are things that are done by you and not me and that's why you percieve that I am doing them. I thought hard about whether you were right or wrong or neither.

I sometimes feel I have the power to pull things out of people that they didn't know they had. I work almost completely off of past experience. And sometimes I think I try to and I fail but then later realize I led them on that path after all. Maybe I'm wrong about having it, but I still think I'm at least slightly perceptive as to why people do things and it helps me see the roots of their problems.

I did however realize that the above is mostly bull shit. I shouldn't pride myself in things such as that that I don't posess, it's all part of doing what I told you to do Sage, stripping away the lies and the crap. I don't think that I am perfect, I have plenty of work to do on myself. I just try to make others' work easier but telling them things that have helped me. So do I think I am better than others? Still not sure. Oh well. I think most of my anger is out though.

2003-05-26T17:15:00.000-04:00

SEASHORE DANCE!!!!!! What an interesting and fun time. Quite the learning and realization experience as well. So I went down, there on a charter bus with a bunch of my friends on it. I met this girl named Alyssa. (psychoanalysis: she tries too hard. I think she tries to compensate for her age (14 or 15) by trying to act all sexy and older. Like she's constantly talking about needing someone over 18 to buy her cigarettes and smoking them in front of us. We asked her not to, she was choking me but Seth was addicted for two years and the smell sometimes gives him cravings. Does it really seem that cool to be addicted to something that turns your lungs black and gross? But she was a nice girl all the same.) I sat next to Seth Rotman and Gabe and Juliet Schiff (I know you don't know these people, bare with me) sat behind me. Jenna was on the bus too. and Jonathan Magen, it made me think about how many more USY friends I have than last year. We watched Scary Movie 2 on the way up, I didn't even italicize the damn movie, that is how much it is worth. I think my life is worse for having seen the trash. So we went to the boardwalk and met the rest of our friends, when we were all together there were like 20 of us, and that's just the closer circle, wow there were a lot of us. Sometimes I'd think I left with a small group, I'd turn around and there are like ten people, hehe, fun. I got invited to a sleepover at Seth's house after the dance that night. It was funny because other people asked to come and were turned down and everyone was like, Alison, are you going to Seth's tonight and i was like, "i'm not invited," and everyone was like well, now you're invited. I think seth was the last to find out, but he was like, no, it's more than cool for you to come. That was a fun expresion, i think I'll use it. But I didn't go because I was too tired and I didn't feel like asking my parents. Not to mention I would be one of two girls there, the other being a slut and everyone was pretty much gonna get wasted. They didn't end up really getting wasted but, I'm glad I didn't go anyway, i have work to do. Anyway, back to the boardwalk. We got there around 1 by the way. We walked around, going into fun stores and stuff. I didn't really hang out with the girls much, most of them are sluts. I found it amazing that the only non-sluts in the group are me and two other girls, Monica and Amy. So Seth, Gabe, and I went into the 99 cent store and noticed all these toy weapons on the wall. We bought a bunch (they all shot some type of harmless projectile except the swords). We soon started a trend and kept going back with more and more people to get toy weapons. So twenty of us each had about 3 weapons each (I had two soft bullet hand guns) and every time we'd see someone we knew on the boardwalk somebody would shout, "PREPARE THE ARSENAL!" And all of us would pull out our weapons (all guns cocked) and point them at the single person, it was hilarious, depending on who it was we would sometimes attack. Wow, that was fun. I gave mine away eventually, I got bored. That night we went to the dance. So many sluts, it makes me sad. So many girls think that the way to get people to like them is to show themselves off and to put out, it's partially the guys' fault for acting like they like it, but they don't respect those girls at all. We had so much fun at that dance. Bayla showed up but I am so tired of her complaining about this kid matt that she is never going to see. Seth and I slow danced for real. His mom had showed him how to really slow dance, it was really fun, that kid is great. On the bus ride home I was sitting next to Seth but then him and gabe switched places so Alyssa could give Seth a "back rub." I turned around for a sec and then was like, whoa. Why didn't I see that coming? Gabe and I were both disturbed for different reasons. Him, because he can't get that and he thinks it is what he wants. Me, because I know that neither of them are really enjoying it, especially Alyssa. Seth might have been, just for the hell of it, but I know by her personality, alyssa thought she was gaining something from it. I consoled Gabriel with these words of wisdom. "They do that because they want something that matters but they don't realize that it doesn't matter at all. When you find the right person, it won't matter who you made out with on the bus ride home, how many people you've hooked up with. Because it doesn't make any difference when there is no reason behind it, I know from someone who's been there. People try to make it seem like it means something because they don't have anything else that they feel has meaning, and that makes them sad." I think that made him feel a little better. I got home at 1:30, I had a very good time, I have truly grown so much since last year, I can tell. I had a realization too, while I was there, I'm not sure that it is true, but I did. Hmmm... I don't think it is something I should worry about so much, I think I'll get through it just by realizing it exists. Too bad I can't tell you guys what it is.

Wow, a lot developments while I was away, it felt good to read them, for everyone to put themselves out on the table, and a thought that just occured to me, where am I in all of this?

(Interjection) Does anyone know the name of the musical piece they use in the Damier Chrysler commerical with the mother and the daughter. "We're developing cars that can see." (end interjection)

Hmm... I guess i am in there somewhere, if not directly involved than a good eye witness, good for objective opinions. Or at least biased on all sides. Oh well, not going to think about that too much.

Ryan: I think you did good. I think you were clear about how you felt and explained yourself well. I think that it helped you realize what you've been doing wrong while you told you friends how they can be better for you. Very very good.

Hannah: I would like to know you better. It is hard for me to figure you out sometimes. But I like the way you accept criticism. It is the way that most of us do. I love that. I think you like being told what is wrong with you so that you can fix it, me too. It is a wonderful trait to have, to be able to easily admit that you are wrong. When you can do that, and your pride isn't hurt, it makes you stronger and so much more easily able to improve yourself. And admirable trait of yours to say the least.

Melissa: I think that you are really going somewhere. And I'd like to tell you something that I realized yesterday. You can have everyone tell you all of their problems, and you can be there for them. But you never truly become closer to them until you share yourself with them. Because it is the sharing and not the give and take that bonds people together. But don't think you are a bad friend. You try, and that is all anyone can ever ask of you. And you are slowly succeeding more and more. You are much better than you think you are.

Sage: Oh dear oh dear. You are not so lost I don't think. You need to do what I did. Just drop all of the extra crap and just be you, as vague and intangible as it may be. It is easy to be yourself if you are not constantly trying to figure it all out. It'll come in time. And sometimes it is hard to know what the extra crap is, but you'll figure it out. You are confused about your feelings, we all are, and I think Rowe will be a good place for you to figure things out. When are you going? When you are separated from a situation for a while, it allows you to forget the minutia and to concentrate on what is really important. It'll allow you to see which friends you miss and why as well (this would help on a number of topics we have discussed). Always having a place like Rowe to go back to is so great for you, it is really nice that you have that and that you appreciate it.

I sometimes feel I have the power to pull things out of people that they didn't know they had. I work almost completely off of past experience. And sometimes I think I try to and I fail but then later realize I led them on that path after all. Maybe I'm wrong about having it, but I still think I'm at least slightly perceptive as to why people do things and it helps me see the roots of their problems.

And I often wish that there were people that could see me the way that I see other people, like I said above, of course if I can't actually see them that way than I'd be completely wrong. I wish someone could see right through all of my actions and help me realize what is wrong with me. I feel alone on that account.

Longest blog ever, I'll try not to let that happen again.

2003-05-25T00:37:00.000-04:00

There was a time.
When you were so weak,
There was a time when you couldn't sleep
You looked in the mirror
And what did you see
a shadow

D A Em

Your soul was wounded.
The paper was red with blood
dripping and dissolving into nothing.
So thin it was transparent
And you wondered why no one would look right through you.

A Em

Wish upon a star.
You've regained your flight
Sail the skies tonight.
Beautiful angel.
Because you've worked so hard and now.
The world is nearly yours.

- good song, it isn't published so I took the chords the person put up and played them and tried to make some sense out of a tune. The chorus is the poem below by Tikva Tamid, it was inspired by that poem, the writer of this song went under the pseudonym, "Tikva Tamid Wisher" strange pseudonym

2003-05-25T00:14:00.000-04:00

D Em G D, G D G D, Em G Em G Em G D

2003-05-25T00:03:00.000-04:00

Ryan frustrates me, aaron todd is amazing, people are gone, shore is tomorrow...

As I thought back to the last seashore dance I'm remembering what a different person I was. Same date last year. I walked the boardwalk sunburnt terribly from dorney. I walked in the hot sun with my friend sara and pretended I was fine when really I didn't like myself very much. I thought I was ugly and fat and so young. I was really upset about drifting away form jon zimmerman. But I pretended I was fine until the dance that night when I felt my ugliest. I just couldn't have a good time. I eventually just broke down and cried, and sara and I cried together. Then some old songs came on, we both sing so we just went into the dance and belted them out, it felt really good. Both of our throats hurt when we were done. I was so incredibly differnt, so much younger. I was judgemental and a gossip and i criticized myself so much because I criticized others, that's what happens you know. It's a vicicous circle. You look for anything to criticize in others becuse you feel bad about yourself but then you forget not to do it to yourself and you feel worse. It's the same with lying. If you lie to everyone else and make excuses for yourself you forget not to lie and makes excuses for yourself to yourself. I didn't know who or why I was. I didn't know anything about me. I was lost and confused and sad. I've learned so much this year. Who I am, why i am sad. What's important. It's good to feel like I know what's going on. I feel so much older now. I feel older than jon zimmerman, he's insane, and I don't want him anymore, i haven't for some time but i forgot how good it feels not to want him anymore. Oh dear, I wonder how shore is going to be tomorrow, if it will be a repeat of last year's sadness and crap or if I will be better so it will be better. Hmm... I am better. I am a much better me than I was. I'm moving in the right direction. So this year has not been a waste, i haven't done nothing, i've done a lot. That's good to know.

Tissue paper angel.
Fly high in the sky.
Then sun can't burn you anymore.
Your wings grow stronger.
Your life grows longer.
You are almost ready.
The paper is just thick enough.
Your wings move quick enough.
To take you anywhere.
Fly away angel.
You'll make it now.
You've gone so far.
Look where you are.
Did you even realize?
-Tikva Tamid

2003-05-24T17:36:00.000-04:00

Hmm... I guess today's a filming day for that tea movie. Hope that thing goes well.

I woke up today and made some really good pancakes. Better than the last really good pancakes. So I made my dad pancakes and coffee and he loaned me twenty dollars. I went to New Hope with my friend from camp, Eric Schell. It proves to me my thoughts about camp people, there is nothing to talk about outside of camp. With my really good friends there is, actually with a lot of people, but with some, that's where it stands. I was really uncomfortable around him. It's hard to know what he's thinking and he's very negative. I'd forgotten how unnegative I'd become until I hung out with him. I didn't want to badmouth anyone. So I came home pretty early, but I got two really pretty skirts. The mirror in the dressing room at the place where I got them was leaning against the wall, that made me mad because then you look so much skinnier than you are. It is depressing. So I kept having to pull it vertical so I could see how I actually looked.

So let's talk about how I feel because it is very strange. I feel like my heart is just full of all of this love but I have nowhere to direct it at. I don't know where it came from, and those feelings don't usually happen without a target in mind. Not necessarily boyfriend, it could just be a friendly love but there is seemingly no one for whom it was created so why is it there? I've felt it for two days. It makes me sad when I feel that love and then feel by myself at the same time. I feel like my friends are so far away. But where did they go? I'm not expressing this well. I don't know how to explain it. I wish I could talk to someone about it.

2003-05-23T23:16:00.000-04:00

Alison Klinman is...

2003-05-23T23:14:00.000-04:00

Much thanks to Marisa (even though I don't think she reads this) for talking about that song on her site. It was amazing. I learned how to play it on my guitar (i haven't picked that up in ages, it felt good). I wrote a song on my guitar and wrote some more lyrics for guitar. I'll write the tune another time. so for now it's a poem. My songs are getting less and less embarrassing to share, not that anyone probably cares to hear them but I think I'd like to. Well. I'd always like to, but I'm always embaraased and end up thinking that they are too juvenile and worrying that people don;t actually want to hear them, even if they say they do. But I don't just write them for me, I write them for others, they'd probably be better if they were just for me. I want to share myself with the whole world but I think I'm scared that it doesn't want any part of me. My fear is something I am trying to come to terms with, embarassment is fear, reluctance is fear. stress is fear. worry is fear. I've been giving it different names but it is all still fear. Trying to disregard it can be good but overcoming it would be better. I guess that means I have to face it. How?

2003-05-23T21:53:00.000-04:00

Why do I put you all though these enormous literary creations? i need to write in a diary so I don't bother you all.

2003-05-23T21:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had an emotional freak out. I was exhausted (i woke up every half hour of my three and a half hours of sleep the night before) and having my period so every bad emotion magnified about a hundred times. I was so upset about how I've been slacking off this year with everything. That can't happen next year or for the rest of this year. I'll go crazy. I was really beating myself up about it yesterday, though. I don't why I do that, I don't work well with negative encouragement, i guess I'm afraid if I don't then I'm making excuses for myself. I can't have that. I am trying so hard to be truthful to myself. It's a lot harder than it seems. I want so many things. I'm so scared that my dreams will never become reality. I try to make them but I feel like I've lost so much time this year slacking off and strangely i think this is the year that i have worked the hardest when it comes to anything besides school. And even with that i was good outside of school but not inside of school first semester, and good inside of school but not outside of school second semester. I've gotta get them both down. Now I'm confused. I want camp, camp i can focus only on what I love so i'm not spreading myself too thin. I have the fire in my heart again. It has been gone for such a long time, school really pours the water on it. Today school has seemed so far away, that's what brought it back. What I call the fire is the feeling of my dreams deep within me (performing type things). It is my inspiration. I miss shows and acting and singing, I need that all back. My break has been too long. Since the beginning of march... this summer will be a good one, it has to be.

Today for service learning day I worked at this thrift store called impact. Ashley Waters and I sorted the clothing donations. If stuff had stains or tears or pulls it got sent to third world countries. If not than it got put in the store. They were really backed up. Ashley and I must have sorted 40 bags and there were easily 100 more. It was fun though, i haven't spent time with her in a while. Too bad it took me so long to get completely comfortable with her again. But we had a good time. Cole, Will Ross (not ross weinberg, sage), and this mike kid were working there too but we didn't see them except during our break. I get impressions of people just by looking at them and listening to them, it works best when they talk to me but I just get feelings about people and I'd forgotten what a bad one I get from cole. But I haven't hung out with my old crew in a while. I forgot how much fun they can be. Ashley and I got some cool stuff too. I got a lot of stuff. Two pairs of pants (i am in desperate need of pants), a skirt, 2 sweaters and two t shirts. And I got Charly some really Charly jeans. They had the tags on them and everything and they were really nice. I hope they fit her, they should. Oh, i got this cool hat too. I'm glad I did that, but it was really tiring.

Hmmm... I was gonna go out tonight but time kind of just flew by. I feel kind of ostricized from everyone today, I don't know what any of you are doing, except sage. I wanna know how all of your service projects went.

So tomorrow, eric schell is coming. yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is one of the coolest kids ever. He lives in central jersey and is coming down just to visit me! = ) We were gonna go see a show in philly but they are all sold out (i thought he had tickets already because he originally invited me to see one with him) so we're gonna go chill in new hope instead. I am sooooooooooooo excited. It's going to be a pleasant day, I think. And then on Sunday I am going down the shore with USY. AND I AM NOT A BOARD MEMEBER ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So that makes it so much better, i feel like the pressure's off. I haven't seen my USY friends in a long time, that should be quite nice. Chill on the boardwalk till 7 and then go to the dance. And the weather is supposed to clear up on Sunday so that should be good. I have to find a time to get some work done, I don't wanna leave it all for monday, that could be really overwhelming. I guess I could do some tonight and tomorrow morning. That way I'd already have some out of the way by monday and maybe I could do a little thing on monday as well as work. That always makes things more bearable.

Thought of the day: Strangely, I am most self-concious around my best friends. I guess it's because I care what they think about me more than anyone. I get self-concious about the way I look, act, how much I talk, etc. It doesn't change things but it feels like it should be the exact opposite. It tells me that I'm still really afraid of losing you guys. I feel like maybe one day you'll decide you don't like me anymore. Why do I feel that way? Why is it so hard for me to trust people with my heart. Maybe I have self-esteem issues again. Hey, at least I'll admit my faults now, couldn't do that for a long time. And it still scares me to tell them to you.

I have feelings I shouldn't have and they confuse me. But I'm always confused, aren't I? I can't feel my heart anticipating something big, but I don't know what it is. But I know whatever it is, I want it. I guess I just have to wait.

Wow, I really miss you all. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever when I saw some of you just yesterday. It's weird, we need to have another party.

2003-05-22T00:34:00.000-04:00

Lots of homework still to do. It is late, so what do I do? I blog of course, what else...

Today was a nice cosy day. The rain can do that sometimes. I was in essay mode for Lodewick. Don't think mine was too bad. I look forward to tomorrow when we get back catcher essays and talk about Of Mice and Men. I really can't wait. I think I won't sleep tonight. I want to stay up and finish it. And I have lots of work to do anyway. I mean, at night you get tired, but then at a certain point you stop being tired, tomorrow is only a partial day of school, so it's all good. In theory i did catcher notes, i'm gettin there. Math was silliness. Antonia Banderaz is amazing and so is Evita, I loff (that was for Melissa and aaron todd) it so much! Spanish... por? para? who cares? World civ, did we do anything? Oh yeah, Mao... silly Mao. Chem, lab, tirtration was fun.

Vonmeyer: This used to be such a good lab station (me, laura, matt, dave) and now you've bonded and many other conversations go on.
Me: Oh no, have we ruined the Uhrich's?
V: No, I don't think you've quite ruined them yet.
Me: Hey, did you notice Laura's dimples (I had noticed them for the first time just a moment before)?
V: No, I hadn't. But they're cute aren't they.
Me: Matt, did you notice them? (He starts to nod and then shakes his head) Yeah, he noticed them.
V: (as if talking to a small child) Well of course he noticed them, he had to notice little indentations in her face... of course, maybe he's passed the point where you can see them. We all see Laura's dimples from far away (hold hand far from face) but he sees them much closer (hold hand flat against face. meanwhile, I am laughing so hard I almost fall on the floor and Laura's and Matt's faces are more scarlet than the Hussy H's I made them wear earlier this year, funny that the the two fakely joined hussies are now dating.)

Madrigal auditions. So nice to see people, a lot of talent. I hope everyone did well. Afterwards Sage, Melissa, Aaron Todd, and I all went to Rita's. As we got father and farther away from the school I began to feel more and more concious of how bad I looked today. It was getting awful. Then we went to Melissa's which was much fun. We watched her english project, it was HILARIOUS!!! I was in stiches. As time went by, I felt uglier and more bad personlityful than I have felt in a very long time. We tried to burn tea to see if the smell would get stronger, like incense. No trabaja. It just smelled like burnt matches. Though it did look pretty cool burning. FYI: feathers look very cool when burnt, ketchup is not flammmable, and sage is a faux-pyromaniac. I felt sad about something I do not feel at liberty to discuss, but I thought you would like to know that you were right, Sage. So, I hid under my tie-dye sarong for a little bit of shelter and called it the sad tent. But Aaron kept peaking his head inside and ruining it... oh blessed little aaron todd. Btw, if gretta is good for nothing else, she is good for making fries. Coldplay is good. Sage and Melissa are good. Melissa's mom drove us home. She is awesome. That care ride was extremely pleasant. During a short session of spacing I admired many qualities in Melissa and many situations handed to her and that she put herself in. My ability to admire instead of be jealous is comforting.

Got home, ate dinner, got dressed, felt incredibly heavy, in serious period discomfort, and left. Mom is still being nice, the civility is a nice change. We only had an extremely short spat today, Quite relieving. Went and sat behind Lin Gyi. A bunch of seniors kept getting award after award. I wonder how they do all this stuff. I'd like to mention that Kate Cheney is in every club ever and takes every weird language in the world. And that makes her cool. Today I smiled at a girl I have been avoiding eye contact with for a while. That's not usually like me but, anyway it doesn't matter. After I got my award I was already smiling and noticed her, I guess I really didn't mean to smile at her but I smiled and then made eye contact which is the body language show of honesty and friendliness (eye contact then smile says that you have something to hide...Try this anywhere: Make eye contact with a stranger and then smile...see how they turn away, Now smile and then make eye contact with a stranger... they smile back). Anyway, she smiled right back, something I didn't expect. It was this big warm smile, a beautiful smile. One of the prettiest smiles I've ever seen. It made me realize how often I see her without one and what a pretty girl she is. Too bad I can't say who. So, Melissa, I thought you might want to know that it's a good thing you didn't go because your award was writer for the Abingtonian. Something tells me you wouldn't want to sit through two hours of awards for that. Anyway... bragging time: Best Actress for the All school play. Not bad for a sophomore. Best actor was Ash, best for musical were Luisa/Josh. The rest were seniors, go me. I got this gorgeous plack (spelling?). Also awarded for service hours, me and the rest of the entire student body. But I was one of only about 15 with over 150 hours.

After my mom took me to barnes and noble for some coffee. What a couple of Jews we are. Of course we met three others from our synagogue and spent an hour talking about synagagogue affairs and schools and such. Got home at 10:40, no homework done. Yep, all nighter tonight. Oh well, no big deal, i'm not that tired. And you don't have to redo your hair if you stay up all night.

2003-05-20T21:38:00.000-04:00

Books I can't find:
1. The Catcher in the Rye
2. Of Mice and Men

This bothers me. I like to keep the ones I had first and now I don't have either. It really distresed me. When i couldn't find them my heart started beating really fast and I got super stressed. At that point the littlest provocation can make me scream something. Not mean, just screamed. I get like that sometimes when I lose things. Getting my period doesn't help. I don't know why losing things drives me crazy. I get so angry at myself. And what'll I do if I don't find them. I'll never have them. That's upsetting.

I hope Mrs. Fahie (the psychologist) talks to me tomorrow. I have stuff to say. I would like to be tested by the school psychologist. I would like to make sure I don't have any type of disorders. I keep recalling these weird things that have happened to me before. For instance, all during 3rd grade I worried. I worried about everything lost. Anytime I lost something or a part of something, I was worried that my father would find it. I had this talkgirl tape recorder and when I first started using it all i had to do was press record. Later I had to start pressing play and record at once. I don't know why i only had to press record in the beginning but i thought i had broken it. even though it still worked I was plagued with worry about telling my father. I sat in endless worrying for about two months. When I finally told him, I was washed with relieft, it was wonderful. But as time (hours) went on, the worry slowly crept back, but with no source. I worried about everything all that year. I wonder about that when I freak out about losing things or get these huge downers just looking forward to things i have to do later in the day. Big downers. almost every day in chem i get them. It was nice having the play after school, i could always look forward to that. Maybe I'm high strung and I just control myself so much that I make myself un-high strung, or maybe I just care about the wrong things. But my outbursts of emotion, my random anxiety, my panic attacks for a little thing like losing a book. I'd like to be tested just in case. These could be phases but I've got major OCD, depression, and a host of other problems in my family... it wouldn't hurt to check. I can't accept happiness, i can't remember the last time that I was really happy, that i honestly felt good. I don't think I let myself for some reason...

Hmm... I don't know how to function without a million things going on at once. Even if I get a break it isn't real. I'll find things to fill my break up with. I should probably lay off all of the stimulants, no matter how little an effect they have, they can't be good for me. Is it worth weight loss? Always behind. I admire Jen Tepple in this respect, she does next to nothing after school, just hangs out at Leslie Coddle's. She's very relaxed. I need to relax now. It's nearing the end of school.

I think I am the farthest out of the whole bloggin' crew. I feel somehow separate from the rest of you, it sucks.

God damn it, i want to read Of Mice and Men so badly right now. Mainly because the quicker I do. the quicker I can discuss it with lodewick. I love talking about books with him. He is the best at it, he gets really into it like I do. I like that. He often asks me my opinion on the books we read, that makes me feel like he values what i have to say. I repect him a lot so that means something to me. I'm in essay mode now, i hope i am tomorrow when i have to write that essay for the PSSA.

My mom found catcher, i feel a little better. She can find anything. I can never find anything.

She's been trying to be nice to me. To be understanding. At first i really mistrusted it. Now I appreciate but at the same time don't trust it because I know that it won't last, it never does. But then again, it feels a little different this time. I'm trying to be nice back. It's hard.

Waking up two hours early tomorrow, better get to bed.

2003-05-19T23:09:00.001-04:00

i talk too much

2003-05-19T23:09:00.000-04:00

I just flipped out on my mom. She asked me questions and I flipped. I told her that there was something wrong with her that her own daughter didn't want to share anything with her. She asked me what it was really about. WHAT A LOAD OF COMPLETE BULL SHIT! It's always her. Always. Anytime there is something wrong it all leads back to what she has done to me. I'm finally coming out of it. Realizing the difference between reality and fallacy. I asked her why she pretended to care about things she couldn't give a damn about. She told me she doesn't judge. No, I'm sorry, wrong answer. And now she wants to talk, well I don't trust her. I hurt her, i know I did, but you wanna know what the first thing she said to my father when she went downstairs was. "I did nothing wrong." She tells herself that all the time. i am wrong. I don't even know what I want from her anymore. I don't want to be able to talk to her. I don't want to hug her. I just want her to leave me alone. I want to be independent of her, completely. I want her to do nothing for me. I told her it's too late. That I am done. And I am. I don't want to share myself with her anymore, it's too hard, it's all just too difficult. She loves me and I love her but it is too hard. She screwed up too many times. I tested her and she failed time and time again. I told her the doors closed on her at the beginning of this year but they add a another padlock every minute I'm with her. I acted like a small child, I covered my ear and closed my eyes and started yelling. I yelled that I couldn't stand to see her, to hear her, look at her, she touched my shoulder and it made me want to vomit. It's too late. She messed up, she thinks I hate her. I kind of wish I did. It would be easier because I wouldn't feel guilty for hurting her. I would like it. But now I don't even know what I want from her, I just kept telling her to leave me alone, she kept not leaving. I don't know what I am going to do. I need her, I know, my bad relationship with her is really fucking me up, emotionally especially. My mental fuck up is getting fixed but there are so many facets to the emotional fuck up that I"m just totally screwed. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm just blaming her for my problems, I felt bad because in the end she tried to be nice. It doesn't last. She's full of shit. I don't know what to think anymore.

In reference to Melissa's blog:
It's why I am so willing to share myself because I think if I share myself, people will want to share themselves with me. I want them too, beacuse... I don't know. Maybe... beacuse I live for my relationships with everyone. People and my love for them are everything to me. I treasure my friends with all of my heart. But maybe I want to share myself with everyone because I have no one at home to share me with. I am sometimes afraid to beceause I don't want to burden them so they don't want me.I'm confused again. I was in such a good mood until she had to come and pretend like she cared about something.

The thing is, she's finally realized that i hide from her. She realizes what she's missing and she wants it. Well, it's too damn late, and she's too damn ignorant and judgemental. I need family counseling. I don't want it.

PDA (public display of affection)... what do I think. I like watching it when they mean it. You can see it in their eyes. It's all over. I admire them.

Now I'm fighting with my dad. I don't know, maybe it is my fault. You all don't know. I act like it's all their fault. You may think that, but I could just be telling you some twisted story that maks me sound like some courageous victim. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe there's something wrong with me and they are right. The more I think about it, the more I think that there must be something wrong with me. I want nothing to do with them. I want to be done.

Catcher will have to wait, even though it is already late. I need sleep.

200/200 on my essay exam for that. It makes me feel like he appreciated what I shared with him. I'd trust him with a lot. He's earned it, my parents have not. I wish that there was some kind of alternate mothers club where people who wanted to care for someone and kids who felt like they needed a supplement parent could spend time with another adult. What a great program. Service Learning project? Mothers for emotionally. mentally, and physically abused children, i'm sure it already exists but I don't know of a well advertised one around here. I'll make it work. A lot of children need that. They don't deserve to feel like they are alone.

I make it look like I have been so burdened with my independence. Truth is, I chose to do my own laundry. I like it when I make dinner for myself. I like not having to rely on them. I hate relying on them. That is my problem, I can't get mad at them when I purposely decrease my dependence on them. It's so hard to understand this.

For the project. Maybe people who already have kids. They could have their extra child over for dinner some nights. Have family game night or something and invite the child. Do nice things together or even just be there when the child needs someone to talk to and there isn't anyone. So the child doesn't close up to parental figures. So they don't lock themselves up so much it seems like they're stuck inside forever. I'll think long and hard about how I'm going to form this, I'm almost sure that it's what I want to do.

2003-05-19T18:58:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up early to get some work done. I felt so depressed I was sick. I have these pants and shirt I wear whenever I am feeling really awful, whether I know it or not. I gave into them right away this morning and put them on. When I got to school I finished up my service form and handed it in. I have 229 hours and I still have to do service learning day. Why?
1: I got to talk to Sage a lot. I liked that. It was nice and quiet. Not much demanded of me. I needed that.
2: Did World Civ work in theory. My bookbag is a mess.
3: In math, took a quiz. Didn't do too well, too much on my mind. But I needed to not be interacting with teachers, I was happy to have something that demanded my concentration. I took my mind off my mind.
4: We sang the star spangled banner. I love madrigals, i love the people, you don't feel threatened at all. it is the most secure environment in the entire school to me. I can't think of one person that I don't like in there. I love singing. It is nearly perfect.
5: In Spanish I felt really sick, like naseuas (i cannot spell that) sick from worry and nerves. I kept asking Grosch to go the bathroom but she wouldn't let me, I don't like to announce my desire to vomit in public but eventually I had to and she apologized but it all happened in a very embarrassing way. Laura and Josh were very nice and caring today. Everyone was today... and yesterday. I needed it. But they are most days, I have very good friends.
6: I did chem the whole time, don't know what happened.
7: Chem was fun today. Aaron Todd and I had a good time. It was fun, easy notes.
8: Academic access: easy as crap. I got to talk to Sage a lot, he helped me out a lot. I think I helped him kind of too, i hope.
Bus: Shawn wrote the most amazing note ever to Heather. Those who know her must read it.

I was able to almost enjoy the weather for the first time since it got warm, a good sign.

I did homework today for the first time in weeks, a good sign.

I am off to Hebrew School Graduation. What a joke. I still have work to do. I'll probably blog more tonight. Sorry about this incredibly long day. But I am in a place of much self-expression. I really need to start being able to write in a journal. I'm not sure I would know how. I would get used to it, the way I got used to this. These would probably be much shorter. A good idea then, I guess. Still... starting is tough.

2003-05-19T18:41:00.000-04:00

So yesterday...

My confirmation class went to NYC for the day. I had to get up at 6 on Sunday. I got 3 and a half hours of sleep. Took a bus up to NYC. I found that I really appreciate when my friends let me know that they want my attention. I was listening to my headphones and my friend Ziggy snapped his fingers in front of my face and was like, "Alison, play ghost with us." I was really depressed, that made me feel a little better. An uneventful game but then we started watching some funny movie that I forget the name to. (Something about some fat guy who's dad dies and he has to save the company but he's really stupid.)

When we got there we went to the Jewish Theological Seminary. This is where all the rabbis, cantors, and some of the Jewish educators get trained. We got toured in circles for a while. Then we sat in this room and this guy talked to us about rare books of Judaica and Hebraica. I tried really really hard to stay awake but when you've only slept 3 and a half hours and you're sitting still for a while... I finally stopped fighting my eyes. I felt bad, Audrey and I were sleeping right in front of him. I didn't really sleep, I just listened with my eyes closed. What I heard was interesting. Then we got some really good bagels, I stayed awake for that.

After that, we went to Times Square for an hour and a half. That was fun, we ate and I got some really good iced coffee. Then we just walked down broadway. That was fun with my friends. We stopped to listen to this group playing amazing music, some sort of African I think. I really wanted to buy a CD and I should've. But I didn't because I was dumb. Now I'm angry with myself for that, I fell in love with it from the moment I heard it. We walked down to the Toys R Us with the ferris wheel. It was so wonderful. I love watching little kids in the toy store. I almost cried because it was so beautiful. And the way the adults treated them was so nice. I love watching people treat each other well. Especially children. Then Bayla and I walked into the MTV store to see what kind of crap people waste their money on in there. I saw a kid with a strong bad t-shirt on and I told him that he was my hero. We walked to the theater and on the way I managed to have handed to me some pamphlets and a hilarious comic strip about Christianity. All yesterday I thought the comic was hilarious, but the more I think about it, the guiltier I feel every time I laugh at it. It's that kind of thinking that drives me insane, i guess you'd have to read the comic to know what I'm talking about. It portrays people so...wrong. It is propaganda.

I then saw the musical "Hairspray." IT WAS ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. It wasn't heavy or anything. It was silly and cute but had such strong messages. It was incredibly fun and funny and still the most hope-inspiring play I have ever seen. I loved it. I would recommend it to anyone. Well... not Kleba, I don't think he would like it.

Then we went to dinner. Good dinner. I was depressed again. We got on the bus for home and it was getting dark. I took out Of Mice and Men and read. Zig asked if I was okay, I like that he cared and noticed I was upset even though I was reading. I guess Jon got bored in the middle of the ride because he moved over to my seat and started pretending that he was hitting on me. I really needed to read. I was surprised that it took me 10 minutes to figure to use reverse psychology on him. That kid is so immature, but he is hilarious. My hebrew school friends rock. I slept the rest of the bus ride home. When I woke up, Zig asked me if I had a good rest. Sometimes he is so thoughtful, it's nice when people care. Him and his girlfriend are another two I love to see together. Very caring. It's lovely.

When I got home I was absolutely exhausted even though it was only ten. I had work but I read blogs and went to bed.

2003-05-18T23:02:00.000-04:00

i identify with her better than anyone i've ever met

2003-05-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

I had a busy day, many interesting things to tell, so froma newly discovered favorite poet, I give you this.

The burden I carry
Too much
My heat betrays my head
Always
Things never as they seem
Things always seem different
Liar
Born true
Liar forever
The truth is never good
Fear
Of what
Of nothing
Not no fear
But fear
Of nothing
To keep at bay
Not worth
The price
Sickness
Stomach
Acid
Throat
Must do something
Must wait
Until when
Time is never opportuned
Always something unplanned
Desire changes drastically
Too much to bear
Hold on
To what
To nothing
Nothing
To hold on to
But me
The sick
The ill
The problem
The nothing
The search
The unanswered questions
Forever
And never will you see
How it destroys the inside of me
I'm too strong you know
To let it show
- Tikva Tamid

2003-05-18T02:18:00.000-04:00

It is late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I should be sleeping but I am plagued with thought and feeling, why don't I just add the words of wisdom in there too so I can go with my title. Yes, I am plagued with thoughts, feelings, and words of wisdom which are the three things that are srangely helping me cope with my decisions.

"Sometimes you must face the future despite the consequences. What will be will be. Lying to yourself will not change it, it will only prolong the agony. Your fears may be right, and still you must press on. This is what I knew, this is what I always forget, this is what I know."- I forget who even said it, but I read it at the end of a speech and it seemed so true that I had to memorize it. I always keep it with me.

2003-05-17T14:53:00.000-04:00

So for tonight...

MATRIX RELOADED!!!!!!!!

i am soooooooooooo excited. I've been waiting for this movie since the first time I saw the 1st matrix. It's gonna be fun.

MY MOM IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! SHE WON'T SHUT UP, SHE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER, WILL SHE JUST SHUT UP?

Finally, it'll start up again soon enough though. She doesn't have to drive anywhere, I don't see what her problem is. She thinks other parents don't do anything, Ryan's parents do about a billion times what she does as far as rides are concerned.

Well, enough of that. I swear she isn't happy unless she's picking on someone. Oh well, I like it when I scream at her to leave me alone because I get my anger out but I don't feel guilty for saying something mean. The sometimes after yelling it ten times she lets me be for a while.

I have to exercise soon. Get that done with. Then I want to read some of Of Mice and Men. I want to be able to talk to Sage about it, he seems really excited.

Now I'm being mean again, I have to stop. I wish she would just leave my grades alone. She never stops talking about them.

All right, enough with my mom. Matrix is gonna rock. Although, knowing my luck, Melissa won't be able to go for some reason. That would be sad. That would upset me, but that's why I don't let myself get my hopes up for things, i'm always dissapointed. But the scary part is, I can't get my hopes up anymore. There's this block on them that doesn't let them go high. It's dangerous, but I don't know how to fix it. Oh well, hopefully it'll fix itself.

The Matrix, ahhhhhhhhhhh.

2003-05-17T00:38:00.000-04:00

Tonight I embarrassed myself completely at the play in front of aaron. I was the biggest bitch in the world to my family, worse than i have everbeen in my life. It was awful. I deserve anything I get from them if I treat them like that. I treated them just like Jess Noga treats her family, and I remember thinking about how horrible that was. I was absolutely disgusting and I'm probably like that often. I was already in an awful mood for various reasons but... it is no excuse for me projecting all over them. All I did was be incredibly rude to my family and make myself look like an awful person in front of aaron. I'm not exagerrating on this one, aaron would tell you if you asked, he might tell you anyway. Sometimes I hate myself. For other reasons too, maybe I'll tell some of you about them later. I lie to myself, it isn't fair that I feel I have to.

2003-05-16T15:14:00.000-04:00

Earlier this year I had this idea of different types of days. There were days when people like Alison, and people didn't like Alison, no particular reason. If i felt unloved a certain day it was because today wasn't an Alison today, maybe tomorrow would be. Never half and half though, always one or the other.

1. People are only there when you don't need them.
2. As soon as you stop doubting people's love for you, it will stop coming.
3. If you say something good that is happening out loud, you jinx it, and it's gone.
4. If you feel nothing. you probably feel terrible but are suppressing it.
5. The only comfort you can get is from yourself.
6. The only person you can really trust with yourself, is you.

I do stupid things. I ruin stuff. It makes me feel ashamed, of little worth, and not in control of myself. Oatmeal.

2003-05-16T09:26:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how you can talk to yourself about something and go over and over it in your head, weigh out the possibilities a thousand times and still have no decision. Then you can talk to someone else, not even have them give their opinion, and you know what to do. I need to realize that more often. It is hard to do, though. I just wonder how it works that way.

2003-05-15T19:55:00.000-04:00

Either I am PMSing like a maniac or something is really wrong because I don't want to do anything and I can't stop eating terrible food. Thing is, I know that I'm thirsty but i can't bring myself to drink anything. I might have a huge emotional problem that I am suppressing, or you know, just the PMS thing. Oh who am i kidding, I'm just a spineless, willpowerless, lazy girl who is constantly looking for people to feel sorry for her. Oh, boo hoo alison. Go eat some celery and leave us alone.

2003-05-15T17:21:00.000-04:00

Today I am being terribly lazy. I am eating too much and not doing anything constructive. I am tired. I could excuse myself if I thought I worked hard every other day

1: Finished the Lodewick essay, not terrible, but not good. I said too much.
2: Gym, sub, Stella Kim is awesome.
3: Math... well at the beginning of class I got a pass to see the psychologist from oustide. I was glad to be getting out of math but I was nervous. I didn't pay attention for the half of a math class I was there for. Either Kusner really trusts me or he doesn't notice.
3.5-5.75: Talked to the psychologist, I feel bad for not remembering her name. She was very nice. I like her. She kept me a long time. I told her about my dad, for those of you who know what i'm talking about. She said she had to report it to the social worker, I hope they don't contact my parents, that would be very upsetting.
5.75: Finished off Spanish. Very strange class, i don't know why, but it felt so weird. Very different.
6: Sub, studied for chem while watching movie about China. I'm tired of China, I've already had two tests on it. Is it really this important? I talked to the woman at service learning, I really liked her. I liked the way she handled some of the kids that walked in. A lot of the special education children came in just to say hello. She was so warm and motherly toward them, I think a lot of them need that. They all seemed to love her. They came in just because they didn't feel well or just to say hi. It was lovely. She gave me all this community service information that I needed. However, the only service learning day project left is habitat for humanity. I don't feel like building houses for five hours straight. I should find something on my own to do.
7: Chem test. Not so bad. Stoichiometry sucks. 2nd period chem is the most annoying class ever, they get to take the test on monday.
8: Studay hall, didn't really talk to mr. o'donnel this week. Oh well, he gets a break. I'll be back on tuesday. Aaron Todd comes down in the middle of 8th every thursday now. It's a damn good time. He makes me feel good about myself, that one.
After: I called up Laura to make sure she was all right. She has strep. I'm going to help her with all her school crap, she's been really our of it for most of the week. Poor girl. I had a lot of contact with her yesterday, hope I didn't catch it. I had that incredibly tired feeling when I woke up this morning, like when you're sick, but I think it's just because I had the concert last night. I don't get sick.

And now I am being lazy. I don't know waht to do, I have to go to USY board elections at 6 where I'll probably eat more. I HATE PMS. I want to eat things I wouldn't even dream of eating any other time. The more fat and sugar and salt, the better. It is frustrating. My cuticle biting has gotten worse and the nailpolish remover dried out my skin. I need to find a way to stop that. I feel so incredibly unproductive but I don't feel like doing anything except eating. I feel better than I felt when i got home from school, life takes getting used to.

2003-05-14T22:54:00.000-04:00

Firstly, I'd like to get the apology out of the way. I am so sorry for anything incredibly weird I did when you guys were in front of my mom. When my mom meets my friends, it is always an uncomfortable experience but with all of you meeting her I nearly had a heart attack. I don't know what happened, my heart started racing, and I didn't know what to do with myself and I was saying weird things and doing weird things and, I don't know. I'm just really sorry if I embarrassed anybody or did something, I honestly remember it all as a blur. I have enormous issues with my mom and they've been getting worse and worse. I was just crazy, I knew it would happen and I dreaded it the whole night. I'm so glad it's over.

Now I can move onto better things. I LOVE YOU GUYS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! You are the best friends I have ever had in my life. Everyone who was in the concert was amazing! And everyone who stayed for me, thank you so much. It meant so much to me to hear you all screaming my name at the top of your lungs. And when you attacked me after, God, you guys are amazing, I don't know what I would do without you. Well, Madrigals does kick ass! Did you like that glitter? We are so disney world.

2003-05-14T17:47:00.000-04:00

Short break, oh well.

So, this morning I woke up at 5:30 to do homework and decided not to do homework. I just took my time and listened to Jewel. Listening to that changed the feel of my whole morning. It was quite nice. I don't know what happend but I got in to school just full of appreciation. I spoke to people I haven't talked to in a while and don't especially like but they are nice people and I thought they could use a hello. Then Ryan gave me this kick ass "bach vs vivaldi" cd. I was really excited, I listened to it 2nd period and I got to brag 1st period to lodewick that I got a present from "his boy" and he didn't. Very fun.

I really like getting presents. I've been thinking about this for about a week now. Presents that are unexpected are the best. It makes me feel so good that people care anough about me to think about me when I'm not around and to get me something, especially something that comes from their heart. For instance, aaron todd was my valentine this year (friends) but he made me about the most adorable card I've ever gotten. Or that time he wrote me that letter for my play in the pretty card that he got from his uncle. It was so funny and it was silly but it meant something. Or last year, when he made me that willy wonka CD. I guess aaron's really good at that gifts that come from the heart thing.

1: Catcher in the Rye essay test. It's going to be a bad essay, I know it. I didn't bull shit anything and said everything. It isn't going to be focused or well written. It is going to be raw and easily read. But then again, the book is like that. I wrote so many personal things, I'm surprised what I trust him with. I'm glad I trust him with those things. I have to finish it tomorrow, and I'm dreading reading it to myself. I'm not going to like it.
2: During second I read melissa's blog. When she thanked me I started to cry. I'm so happy that something I said actually mattered to someone. It was very nice.
3: Math is bad. So monotonous, so drawn out, so boring. I do not like it. It is fun when I get to talk to Sage, but otherwise, I'd rather be sleeping. Only thing good about that class is my grade.
4: MADRIGALS!!! I love this class. Everyone is amazing. I'll miss the seniors when they leave. I'll miss them a lot. At one point during the rehearsal, ms. stamps went absolutely nuts because something looked so cool. She was screaming and waving her arms and totally spazzing, i've never seen her do that before, ever.
5: Spanish, thank goodness for absent teachers. We had that Senor Lobo. He has the most beautiful Spanish accent. I love it. I was not happy though because I had yet to finish my chem homework, I had a test the next period, and I did not like the story I had to answer questions on. I got everything done though, and Josh and I talked about how we'd never before had anti-semitism right in our faces before. How the jokes started out funny but now we're starting to take offense. I have to watch my anger in those situations, I haven't flipped out yet. I don't plan on doing that ever. But, it is nice to know that someone agrees with me on that front.
6: Test, Williams, Death.
7: In chem, we did this really easy lab in which I spent most of my time trying to get Laura to read this note that matt wrote to her. I got bored. Then we went over formulas 8th period. I got bored.

I'm excited for the concert tonight. It's nice being able to do something with Abington that I can be somewhat proud of. A lot of my friends are coming or staying, depending on whether or not they're in the first half. That's good. Chem test tomorrow, I'm all right I think. I just have to make sure to study. I wish my parents weren't coming to the concert, I like to keep friends and family extremely separate. I don't know, it's sad when it gets to the point where I don't even want my parents coming to see me perfom anymore. I just want to be with...

what keeps coming into my head is "the people that really love me." But my parents do really love me. Probably more than my friends do. I mean, they're my parents. It's all very confusing. But... all I know is I wish that they weren't going. I wish I could drive myself, and live by myself, and just be with myself and my friends. There is something very wrong here... I need to figure that out.

But the stage is like my escape. My happy place. Where I can just... I don't know but it's wonderful. You're supposed to look completely crazy and get excited over nothing, and everyone eyes are on you. I really love it. I love rehearsing, I love auditioning, I love anything to do with it. It's good I have found something I love so much so early.

2003-05-13T20:20:00.000-04:00

Whoa! Sorry about that last post, it was meant for the other blog.

Tonight is... ORCHESTRA AND CHORUS CONCERT @ 8, stay for the whole thing, Madrigals kicks ass!

I have much to say that I would like to but at this moment I am just too impatient to write it down. Oh well, I'll give you guys a break... for now.

2003-05-12T23:00:00.000-04:00

My long entries are annoying I know, I've been trying to keep them shorter, but sometimes I just have so much to say.

Anyway, on my links note the new one. Aaron Todd has just started up his own blog. Check it out. (www.aarontodd.blogspot.com)

2003-05-12T22:59:00.000-04:00

O Schoe Ne Nacht

Ha, now I can be cool like Kate and give my blog a german title. Sadly, though, that is all the German I know. It means, Oh lovely night, and it is a song I am singing for my vocal recital. My mom said I should invite you all, but I'd feel silly doing that.

I have had a lot of thoughts today. Mostly after school. I near hate school. I love seeing everyone but that is all. Oh, I can't even say that. I do learn in school. Many interesting things that I am glad I know. I learn all about the social world and the way people's minds work. I learn how to deal with real people and real life in this closed environment. It is a chore but it is so hard for me to say I don't like something with so many benefits I haven't even thought of yet.

There is a certain something that is making me very angry that I can not say. It has made me angry for some time and it isn't going away. I need to figure out why its making me angry and then what I can do about it. It's very hard because I really can't talk to people about it. Even when I do, it doesn't come out right and I just end up feeling guilty.

My parents upset me terribly, I didn't realize how much. I'm very angry with them, I know why, and yet I don't. It is very frustrating, and I always seem to come into a dead end. I need to talk to a therapist. I feel like all my thoughts and emotions just spill on the floor when I express them. When i finally get them out, I don't know how to go about cleaning them up, so I just get them out there and eventually to go on living I have to brush them back under the rug and try to forget about them until a later time.

After confirmation class... oh wait, at confirmation class I heard the most disturbing story. This girl Audrey was talking about growing up with a pubescent younger brother. Whoa, I never realized that if I had a brother I would have to look at him while he was hard, cause you know when you start you can't help it. She says he doesn't know how to get it down or something because he just walks around in the morning with it up. It sounds just awful. I don't know what I would do if I had to look at my younger brother hard. The first time I was happy to just have sisters.

Anyway, afterwards, I went to TJ Maxx and finally got my madrigals costume. I thought that it would take a long time to find stuff, it always does for me. But I found things so quickly, what a relief. I'm glad I have that off of my mind, the less worries i have right now, the better. I usually get depressed about the size of things when I go shopping. I was kind of pleasantly surprised with the way things fit. I'm glad, i didn't need to feel heavy on top of all my crap.

I was walking my dog today, and I was thinking about this girl at my camp named Jackie. Jackie has this strong belief in survival of the fittest. She doesn't believe in God, only in science. She believes that if someone is smarter, they deserve to live more. I hated this idea so much. I once got so upset about it that I was crying in anger. I was walking and just thinking about everything single living thing and how something good comes out of everything. From a little ant we see how hard we should work for the good of our community and family (however you define this). By squashing a little bug we can see how much power we really have over the lives of others. From a someone that is retarded we can see how to take joy in the small things and how to be appreciate of the thigns we take for granted. From someone evil we can learn that we want to be good because we don't want to end up miserable and consumed with hate and to hurt so many people like they have. There is more, I can find one good thing I learn from every thing that lives on this earth. I hate the way this is sounding out loud, so very "what a wonderful world" a song that I despise. With that I shall put the songs, "I believe" and "The Greatest Love." They are so awful. Anyway, the point is, how can someone who gets an A in math but is completely clueless to the ways of the world and what is really important be worth more than someone who find it a miracle if they can get out bed in the morning? I'm sure that the second person is much more aware of what makes them happy and can appreciate so many more things. Everyone is worth the world. The torah teaches that, "To destroy a life is lto destroying the world, but to save one life, is to save the entire universe." I love that quotation. Everyone is worth everything, you are all so special and you've taught the world a million things. Everyone is worth their lives. Everyone deserves to be alive and is saving the world just by being here.

Ryan helps me so much. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him. He keeps me from drowning in my own confusion. I am so blessed to have him. The circumstances I met him under were so crazy... I could have easily never gotten to know him. I'm so glad I did. He is always there when I need him, and he is so easy to talk to, I'm sure you all know that. Ryan, you are something so incredibly special, there is something so amazing about you that everyone sees. Whenever you talk about wanting to end your life, I can't help but think of what you've done for so many people, how much people look up to you and respect you and love you. A lot of people would be lost without you, I would be lost without you. Thank you, for everything.

I listened to Fiona Apple several times, thank you Melissa. I shall return it to you shortly. I don't think I loved it as much as some of you do. But I liked some of the feelings she had in her songs. And the sound of it was very different. I also think that it is an aquired taste. I most prefer, i think, people that when they sing it sounds effortless. Like Jewel. She is one of my very most favorites. I also love Alanis Morisette, but it;s the old stuff for both. Always the old stuff, before pop culture corrupts them. But I did like Fiona, she was a good kind of raw sound. I very much enjoyed that accompaniment, I really like that, it was beautiful.

Another Special Note to Melissa Hevener:

Melissa, you have this way of burrowing yourself into everybody's heart, mine anyway. I just can't help but care about you, no matter how well I do or don't know you. I love it when you put up entries, I look forward to it because I know it doesn't come everyday but it is never trivial. You say something amazing every time. Don't close up, as much as you do, I know how much you want to tell everyone how you feel. I could tell just by the way you were talking when you were all upset. I could tell by the way you remind me of myself. Melissa, everyone does stupid stuff, makes mistakes, it doesn't make you a bad person. You are one of the greatest, most considerate people I know, and if you're sorry, you're sorry and there's nothing else to do, you are still a good person and we still all love you. I know I do. I must because you are the only person I write these special notes to. You are worth everything, and your emotions are never better left unexpressed, you know that too. It's hard but it helps and I know I love hearing how you feel because it brings me closer to you and tells me that you trust me with your emotions, which I know is very hard to do. I know it is so hard for me. But we try and that is all we can do. I'll tell you today what someone very special to me told me just a few hours ago: Don't give up on yourself. You can't, you deserve better than that. Please keep talking, you need you to.

2003-05-11T23:13:00.000-04:00

.Erased.

2003-05-11T15:39:00.000-04:00

I just realized what I need. What i've been looking for for a long time. A mother, a mother that I can just cry and cry into her arms and she'll just hug me and not ask me tons of annoying questions and won't yell at me and blame me. I can't do that with my mom. I can't tell her how I feel. I just realized I completely shut her out. I don't tell her anything that happens to me besides things that are performance or school related. She thinks I'm so irritable because I always get so pissy when she asks me any questions, it's the same for my father. She wouldn't handle it in a way that would work for me. But I need a real mother so badly. I'm forced to be strong for me but I can;t always. I'm all alone.

Somebody please call me. I can't do the calling right now. 215-887-8202

2003-05-11T15:06:00.000-04:00

I wish I could talk to someone about how bad i feel, but I wouldn't know what to say. Just to cry to somebody, but I wouldn't know what to say or why or anything. It hurts.

2003-05-11T14:44:00.000-04:00

Sundays... i just realized that lately i am almost always depressed on sundays. It's a wretched feeling that makes me lost inside myself so that I can't feel what I feel for anyone. And that makes me feel worse.

Friday... I dressed like a slob. Thought hard about the Catcher in the Rye all during English. I must have looked terrible because Lodewick was sure that something was wrong. During sixth period I put myself into full actress mode. When I am putting on an act, i don't mess around. I trudged into World civ, my eyes all glossy and me looking like I was feeling very unwell. Then i asked very politely and weakly if I could go to the health suite after we took our quiz. Williams said yes and after the quiz i trudged out and then it took me five minutes as I walked to stamps' room to get out of acting mode. But she was not there, so I went to the cafeteria and grace stuble put me on her library pass. I went there and finished my acc eng paper. Then I went back to world civ, acting mode back on, and trudged back in there and sat like i was completely lost until the bell rang. Turns out I didn't even have it due that day. We watched a movie on heroin. Great movie, very funny and yet poignant. A good message overall, but, I wonder why they chose heroin and not another drug. It must be making a come back. That's scary, heroin is probably the most dangerous drug i have heard of. Sage and melissa were being very affectionate, i missed ryan. Lodewick came to class and asked for me. I went out of the room and he asked me if I was sure that nothing was wrong and that it had been bothering him since 1st period (it was the middle of 8th), I told him I was fine but it made me feel good that he cared. What a great guy. Then that night I called melissa and made plans to go over there. I talked to hannah online and told her she should come too. Little did I know I started a party. Me, Melissa, Hannah, Ryan, Noel, Nate (cool kid), and we even saw lauren and carina for a little bit. It was a very good time, we even got out the hookah (spelling), I know that makes you happy, sage. I did not smoke it but it looked pretty cool until the next morning when I could taste the smoke and feel it in my throat, gross. But all in all, extremely enjoyable. Melissa is an awesome girl.

Saturday I went to torah club, first time in ages (asst. teacher). I, however did not go to services afterwards. I realized then that I have been avoiding them. I do not want to go to a place of prayer where I am not comfortable. I must find a new place to pray. I made the most amazing pancakes in the world. Well kind of, but they looked really good. I exercised. I went to recital rehearsal. I saw Ashley Mayers, Shannon Moyer, Analisse D'Orazio, and Jessica Willingham. I also met a lot of very nice people. I am much more prone to introducing myself to strangers than I used to be, and not overwhelming them. It was a lot of fun. Then I went to Ryan's and met Liam. Liam was cool. Him and Ryan are a lot alike. He looked exactly as I pictured him, it was strange. Very funny. Their family is hilarious. A nice time. I got home and my mom yelled at me a lot and wouldn't leave me alone. I wish I lived by myself. In a little apartment. A little kitchen, living room, bathroom, and bedroom. I like my place of living and sleep to be different. A piano. my guitar. Paper, pencils, books. my boom box. that's about all. a computer would be nice.

And today, I woke up feeling nearly sick with depression. I had to get up early, being in bed was even more depressing than laying down.

I keep making weird typos. Writing words that sound like what I mean but being different. For instance, i wrote six instead of sick and didn't realize it until i reread it because i left and came back and had to see where I was. It is very strange.

Hebrew school was okay. It was my last day at Beth Sholom because wednesday i have the madrigals concert. By the way, I would extremely appreciate it if you guys would come. We're pretty good. And if you're in band or orchestra you have to be there for the first half anyway and you should stay for the second because we are staying for the first. I got to Gratz next year for Hebrew school. It should be better. I came home and was even more depresed because I look forward to homework and a school week and mother's day dinner out somewhere. All I want to do is hang out with you guys. I'm confused and depressed and scared. But right now I feel nothing. It is dark. I wish it were sunnier today.

2003-05-08T19:17:00.000-04:00

Hey, I forgot to mention a nice little ego booster for me today. I was in gym in the locker room at the end and I took my shirt off so I was just wearing my skirt and my bra and stella was like, "Alison!" And i was like, "what?" and she was like, "where did you get those?" And i looked down and noticed she was looking at my stomach muscles. I said, i don't know, i don't do anything, i sing, i have to use my diaphragm for that. And I was like, "what, do i have a real six-pack now?" and she was like, "yeah. definitely." It looked pretty good, i was happy about it. My rash (for any of those of you who know what i am talking about) is nearly gone too. That is nice.

2003-05-08T19:09:00.000-04:00

I am in such a better mood than i was before.

English sucked, my game sucked. Gym was all right, i like talking to stella. Math, test, not bad. Sage, you never told me what was so great about band. Madrigals, cool. Spanish, BORING AS HELL. I felt so bad because i kept whining at Grosch but i am so bored. I wonder if it is just that i don't like being there or that i am not being challenged enough. World civ, i did chem homework, don't really know what happened. Chem, another boring as hell, when you were in as bad a mood and at low self-esteem as i waas at that point, you would not want to be in chem either.

Then after chem, I went to melissa's locker where aaron, sage, and melissa were all chillin. I said, half joking, i have low self-esteem, so you all need to tell me how good i am. I expected them to laugh at me or something but i got this huge burst of yelling (i think it was positive) in my face. I have the best friends right now than i have ever had in my entire life.

Then study hall with mr. o'donnel. I love that guy. He is so fun, and i can "mess around" (you boys and your dirty minds) with him and he doesn't care. I have so much fun on tuesdays and thursdays.Aaron todd came in and we graded tests. We can make anything fun.

But sadly, when i got home i got these terrible worries forced on me that had been building all day. I couldn't get on the internet and the phone and that bothered me because i really felt disconnected from the world. And then I thought to myself, i have to be able to be by myself and happy and my heart started beating really fast and i started to cry and i got all overwhelmed. And then my computer started working again, and i talked to ryan. We only talked for about ten minutes, then i had to my voice lesson. On the way, sparked from something he said, it hit me. I don't have to solve problems alone for them to truly be solved. I'm allowed to have help from my friends. I guess I'm so used to not having anyone to talk to that I forgot. I am allowed to be weak in front of you guys, i forget that so often. And you all will still love me, i hope.

2003-05-07T21:56:00.000-04:00

i love it when my blog advertises jewish stuff, especially shofars

2003-05-07T21:31:00.000-04:00

publish